The Belt

There's a few things regarding pants that throw up a caution flag to me and creates concern - almost phobic concern - concern I consider smart. Being a regular pants wearer, I fear losing my pants in front of church, soiling my pants when I bend over, having them torn off by an escalator at the mall or shredding them to bits by natural or unnatural events.

This past Sunday my current belt (yes, I only own one at a time) was inoperable so I went to church sans waist restraint. On high alert, conscious of every move, carefully meandering the aisles, I managed to keep my drawers on and get out unexposed. Following services I went immediately to the big and fat guy's store to get a new tension band. My efforts were unsuccessful. Apparently I am a popular size in the "fat is where it's at" club and my size was sold out. Off to KMart, which is the point of this rambling.

Going through the store looking for men's belts I learn that KMart now has a grocery department. Wow. Jones soda for less than a buck a bottle! Sold. What? Craftsman tools? Oh yeah, Sears has something to do with this now. I can use a couple wrenches. Lovely. Oh my gosh! They have men's clothes in "oh my gosh" sizes. New pants, new underwear, NEW BELT! Since I did not grab a cart I was carrying everything in my mitts and made my way to the register. Reasonable prices, nice courteous cashier and not much of a crowd. Great so far.

Paid for my stuff. Fumbling with three bags and putting my change and receipts (3 of them at about 2 feet long for some reason) in my pocket and grabbing my car keys exiting the store I catch in the corner of my eye some uniform advancing on me. As I'm trying to push the door open with my knees to get out, the "security" guard yells for my receipt. What kind of knucklehead is this? He just saw me at the register paying for the stuff, he can clearly see that I have no free hands and he wants me to stop and show him my receipt. Forget that.

I used my favorite response when I'm bugged at what someone just said to me. "What did you say to me?", complete with the stink eye. He again asked to see my receipt. I asked why would I show that to you and did not get a satisfactory answer. Because it is our policy is not good enough for me. I have my own policies. He then followed me out of the door and insisted on seeing my receipt. I asked if he was going to follow me to my car, would he mind carrying some of my packages. He declined. I did not show him my receipt. Pseudo security steams me. Since I was not wearing the belt yet I could not engage in full fury. I hope this belt lasts a long time or that I get over the embarrassment of showing my butt in public.