I Got Things To Say

Meaning of Life

2011-05-07T15:38:00.001-04:00

I have recently been asked what the meaning of life is. After responding, "Live what you can, appreciate all, laugh, never judge, have some fun and be a help to all," I realized (after much thought) that we are basically just food for the planet, so my advice is TRY TO BE TASTY!

Of Course

2010-10-06T04:43:00.002-04:00

If I am driving and I have to be somewhere fast because traffic and circumstance have put me behind in schedule, OF COURSE I am going to end up following this guy. He certainly lived up to the hype.

Offering of Parental Advice

2010-09-17T04:00:00.002-04:00

I am not a parent, but please let me offer some advice. Don't take your young children to a midnight showing of an "R" rated movie which you know has much violence in it from the commercials you watched that enticed you to go. Telling your frightened, screaming children that it's OK and that it's not real may be a little misleading when they pick up a gun and shoot as a solution in the future.

People do leak blood when shot and they don't always stand back up with encouraging music in the background.

Also, theater managers, you sold them the tickets to go in. Knock it off!

Old School

2010-03-27T12:10:00.001-04:00

You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.

Abraham Lincoln

Purple

2010-02-21T18:29:00.001-05:00

I seem to have developed a propensity towards grape.

Picture This

2010-01-08T05:27:00.004-05:00

There is tremendous value to use eyes other than your own.

Christmas Reminds Of My Privileged Youth

2009-12-25T19:53:00.002-05:00

A few excerpts from my upcoming book "Old Man Bob's Young Boy Days"

We were flat broke but nobody told us.

We played for free without ac or dc.

Food wasn't fancy but we ate aplenty.

Came home to a house where family was waiting.

We shared what we had without reservation.

Not far to go and we got there by walking.

Friends would come over if we weren't there.

We lent a hand and worked for a blessing.

Making a card was worth more than buying.

Government cheese because we all liked it.

There were no designers, no fashion or name brand.

Birthdays meant singing and neighbors would gather.

Saturday matinee double-feature for two of us with a box of Lemonheads each for one single dollar.

Burned flapjacks on Sunday prepared by my grandpa.

Our clothes were not new but the colors were awesome.

Big belly laughs from times unexpected.

Christmas had warmth before advertisements.

CéU

2009-11-13T23:30:00.002-05:00

This Is What I Want ...

2009-11-10T11:23:00.002-05:00

... if I come to visit and you have a dog.

Smiley

2009-11-09T11:17:00.002-05:00

Why is it if an animal shows it's teeth to us we take warning and back away, but when a human smiles and shows it's choppers we take comfort and feel at ease?

Perhaps we've got it all backwards.

Phlippin' Phillies Phun

2009-10-20T01:44:00.001-04:00

There are few things on earth that are both as funny and annoying as drunk orators, songsters and negotiators!

Gloating Phillies Phans crack me up. Interviews after the game with the fans in the background making their important shouts, chants and songs of superiority never get old. I think being voted the city with the ugliest people contributes to the fun as we verify the accolades regularly! Win or lose it is a win-win! Keep those brilliant post game shows and local color coming!

Good times.

Fly Like An Eagle

2009-10-19T18:06:00.003-04:00

Boo Foo Doo

2009-10-06T11:08:00.002-04:00

When did gorillas start having such excellent doos? Big time jealous here!

Trials

2009-09-16T04:37:00.001-04:00

If a dog rescues you in a time of turmoil, what has to transpire in order for you to give him away? I don't know why I get so conflicted by the decisions made by others, and I don't know how to continue tolerating the selfish and the stupid.

I wonder if there is a "punch in the belly" rental facility where you could pay to sock someone in the gut. HARD.

Fill 'Er Up

2009-09-02T09:29:00.005-04:00

Went to Arby's for a roast beef, curly fries and drink.

Let's start off with my initial irritation to their pricing. 2 roast beef sandwiches cost $5 and some change. 5 roast beef sandwiches cost $6 and some change. I buy 5 roast beef sandwiches and feed the rats, possums, parking lot, ants and myself. Don't like the corporate pricing games, so I'll do what I can to stick it to "the man." Load me up, Buttercup.

The fries. French, curly, wedge, or mashed cake. Curly please. Nice to have options with a broad range to choose from. Well played RB.

Now for the real rub. Medium drink. That will never do, but try to explain that you want a larger soda without another 4 pounds of potatoes. I don't have the patience. Of course Mr. Comedy (me) says, "Fill 'er up, big guy!"

This time around they fill my cup so full that when they put the lid on, it creates some super vacuum seal that defies any man's normal sense. I place this liquid time bomb in my vehicle's cup holder next to the cut out in the console where I place my cell phone for the ride. I look at the lid, stab it with my straw, look at the road again, then look back down at the cup which has now turned into a fountain, spewing the contents of the cup with fireplug force 2 feet into the air, pooling directly onto my phone, filling the console with the bubbly, corrosive Pepsi that was intended for my guts. Half of the cup's volume went solely onto my phone. The other half remained in the explosive device. Nothing else was splashed. Not a drop was wasted where it could do no harm.

I'm off to the Verizon store today.

Oui!

2009-08-30T14:18:00.006-04:00

For all of you Wii owners and users (I do not yet belong), I thought you might appreciate some of these images found on Switched in their gallery, "Wiimote Disasters (Wiinjuries?)."

Scroll down on the link and select the gallery on the right.

Saratoga Springs

2009-08-20T03:30:00.004-04:00

These were a few things I saw this past weekend. To see more go to my Flickr account by clicking on the link in the right column.

Just Saw This - Had To Share

2009-08-19T18:09:00.002-04:00

Thanks Roxiey!

Vick-tims Galore

2009-08-17T15:18:00.005-04:00

Cruelty to animals is inexcusable. Claiming it is because of your culture or environment is ridiculous. Not knowing it is wrong is a lie.

Vick was charged with the crime, pleaded guilty and served his time. At least 18 months of his 23 month sentence.

The NFL has a personal conduct policy. Vick is in clear violation of that policy. Their rules, their business, all that sign the contract are in agreement and must abide, according to them.

I don't know Vick, I don't want to know Vick. I am in no position to judge or condemn him as so many do. I don't like what he did, I don't like how he behaves and I don't like what many have done, including myself.

I am appalled at the quickness the "christian community" points the finger, criticizes, curses, labels, expresses indignation and takes that holier than thou position complete with condemnation and damnation. We all were something before we came to Christ. We exist because of second chances and love and forgiveness and guidance. My opportunity to say; unfortunately in our environment, claiming to be a Christian is not the same as being Christ-like.

I don't want to hear a word out of "animal rights activists" calling for Vick's head, permanent suspensions or harsher sentences, looking to banish him completely from his career and community while they stink of burgers and chicken piccante on their breath.

If you no longer wish to follow the Eagles Football Team or the NFL because of this despicable man, that certainly is your prerogative. Do keep in mind that you should also boycott Disney for their unscrupulous business practices, any religion with a fallen leader, any lying public official, all corporations based on profit, every major sports league, entertainment venue or organization that is operated by humans. We have all had our selfish motivations and agendas without regard for others. We have all been despicable at one time or another.

I have no say over what Vick does, what the NFL does, and very little over what our judicial system does, what is important is what I do.

I do not regard any celebrity or sports figure as a role model. I do not base my conduct on trend or popular consensus. I suggest we all attend to our own affairs before taking on the challenges of others. And if you do decide to go to Lincoln Field to see an Eagles game, you might want to leave your dog at home, blindfold your kids and be prepared to defend your position to any drunk with an opinion.

Am I Not Merciful?

2009-08-08T14:45:00.005-04:00

I see nothing wrong with buying a cape and a mesh top and wearing it home. I wish I lived in a land where capes were the norm and could easily be purchased over the counter. I would like to try a few on before purchasing - the return process has always annoyed me.

I greatly anticipate the documentary.

I Guess It Just Is

2009-08-03T04:14:00.003-04:00

I've been trying to figure out why the sound of bongos makes it seem that you are running faster? I may need help on this one.

Comedic Truth

2009-07-26T03:16:00.002-04:00

Comedy is so personal and powerful and real that it penetrates and sometimes illuminates a truth. Sarah Silverman hides much behind a mask of vulgarity and absurdity and deliberate misdirection, but large truths are contained in her thoughts and delivered in her words, songs and displays if you are open enough to recognize.

Her recent comment on Twitter exposes what I consider a major flaw in parenting and hopefully a wake-up call to everyone.

"Saw a woman sitting with her toddler on the subway & she was wearing an ipod. Your mommy can't hear you little boy!"
9:49 PM Jul 24th from web

Hammer Pants & A Pooch

2009-07-16T16:51:00.002-04:00

Media Manipulation

2009-07-12T05:46:00.002-04:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Perception is seldom true when agenda surfaces. Who benefits from the misdirections? Tolerance is neglect.

Tickets To A Funeral. What?

2009-07-08T03:45:00.001-04:00

Where were all of the celebrity kudos for MJ, and sweet memories and lovely stories and praises and adoring friends and family when he was alive and needed the support? Where were they during his trials, his mismanagement, poor choices, wrong directions, desperate cries and probable indiscretions?

Not many things worse than a cowardice friend that disappears and takes cover when times are tough, except for those that magically pop up smiling when it's all done. I despise shallow, phony, self-promoting, self-servicing, weak, spineless leeches. Too late to step up now, losers.

You can't change or correct death. Best to stay in the shadows, but no, profit can be made, another chance to shine the spotlight on yourself, another chance to attach to the coat tails of a fallen buddy. Shame on Hollywood as usual. Where there's a stage, actors pretend. Ticket please. No thanks.

My Wardrobe ...

2009-07-06T15:40:00.003-04:00

... is really starting to take shape. So vogue!

Just Bought Some T-Shirts

2009-07-02T15:07:00.005-04:00

Pick yours out at NoiseBot.

Sir Winston Churchill

2009-06-30T10:16:00.001-04:00

If you're going through hell, keep going.

Another Fight

2009-06-29T13:11:00.004-04:00

I have fought many battles in my life. Battles over power, authority, justice, just deserves and just deserts. Many of these battles I have lost, some considered a draw, with a smattering of wins sprinkled around.

When engaged in a physical battle, I win more often than not, and have never lost to a man. My only physical defeats have been delivered by the brutal onslaughts of the animal kingdom and insect world.

To name a few; hamster and horse bites with a few cat scratches, goose nibbles and swollen, teary eyes from allergies to pet hair and dander. A pet store snake bite, a neighbor's bird peck and a raccoon rumble rustled my feathers one night. Poo and pee flung freely by apes and monkeys, something orange and black directed humiliating masturbatory motions in my direction and the regular gull dumpings and plops from above. I have been a mosquito feast, the fairgrounds for a flea circus, and my belly and chest a magnet to a swarm of summertime stings. I've suffered over a year from a nasty spider chomping in the badlands of Plaquemine's Parish and countless mysterious itchings. I mention this history of trouncing only as a lead into my most recent battle, in my own home, just yesterday afternoon.

I performed a slippery samba with flailing frantic arms, alternating leg lifts and swats of fury in order to protect my naked self in the shower as an elusive, alarming, winged striped foe began its attack. I, being in a most compromising position in a confined area, had to once again protect my bits from nature itself. Thanks to a Speakman Hand Held Shower Head (in my opinion the finest in the world), I was able to drive the bee out of the air, force him against a wall, and eventually wash him to his sudsy, watery death.

How the intruder gained entrance is a mystery. The purpose of its visit has yet to be determined. Where the drain directed this "Zest"fully cleaned beast is unknown. The lessons learned from this tale are certain. Balance is key, a strong stream is essential, and be careful when you come upon a naked fat guy in the shower.

I consider this encounter, an unprovoked and unwelcome conflict, to be a personal victory and perhaps a new tide of positive conclusions to life events has begun! Cue music. Champion strut initiated.

Sneaky Butt Beyonce

2009-06-26T00:42:00.002-04:00

Beyonce may have stolen Crystal away from our Mariachi band, but SHE CANNOT HAVE BRIAN TOO! Stay strong big "G" and keep your trumpet hidden! I don't want to see you on the local news like this:

Daytime Sleeper

2009-06-22T03:11:00.006-04:00

I used to believe I was smart enough to work things out.

If I ran out of money, I'd always get more. Things are only things. There are no rights but there are courtesies. Something bad, kick it. Something good, embrace it. Always regard others before self. Be nice to strangers. Don't be preachy and don't be weak. If you like it, love it. If you love it, live it. If you live it, love living. If I can read it I can do it. If I don't know it I can find out. Sit with your back against a wall, face the door and give it room to open or close, be quiet and observe, eat before you're hungry, drink before you're thirsty and sleep when you're tired.

Turns out this is the easy stuff, I am not as smart as I had hoped and I really have more things to learn than to say.

Thank You

2009-05-25T17:57:00.000-04:00

Decisions

2009-05-15T11:47:00.003-04:00

Just got my haircut - first one since August '08. Now I sit and wonder if I made the correct decision. My scalp buffer is gone and neck cover lifted. My bulldog is ON!

Under The Sea

2009-05-10T16:50:00.002-04:00

This is some beautiful stuff. Now if I could get over my underwater fears and had a hundred grand for a high-def slow motion camera, I could play too! Maybe I'll just stick with my Canon high-def regular speed and shoot some tub scenes.

Makes A Butt Feel Good

2009-05-01T13:23:00.003-04:00

Heart Stopper

2009-04-29T16:21:00.004-04:00

I think I invented a new way to clog my arteries, satisfy my belly, and to tickle the taste buckets (buds seems too small).

I like pineapple. I like it fresh. I like it from the can. I like it dried. I found these bags of dried pineapple chunks from the Philippines at Sam's Club. They are soft and moist and sweet and sweet. Maybe too sweet. Having more than just a few is a chore, but I want more.

It is my personal belief that bacon makes it good. By "it" I mean everything. Also at Sam's Club is pre-cooked bacon strips. Too pliable for breakfast or sandwiches alone unless you cook them up a little more for some crunch.

Bacon = Pig = Ham. When you cook a ham oft times pineapple is placed on it, either for aesthetics or taste enhancement, I don't know, but there it is. Ding ding ding ding. Light bulb.

I take a chunk of the dried pineapple and wrap it with the pliable pre-cooked bacon slice. Insert and ingest. Here I come Elizabeth! I'm on my way! It may be the big one! Happy times.

A Long Weekend

2009-04-28T10:13:00.003-04:00

This past weekend I saw a daughter watch over her father, without rest or concern of self, as her broken hero awaited mending.

I saw a family man take pause, confused by visions, yet thankful for family as friends and friends as family.

I saw a wife fearful, almost tearful, over a possible finish of her man, filled with honor and regard, saddened by the calm of acknowledged mortality.

I saw a man cry prayers out loud and alone in the dark, defeated, yet hopeful, yielding to circumstance, crippled by perception.

I saw servants give comfort, practicing their craft with kindness and expertise, delivering wonder that promotes praise and confirms images held.

I saw a husband elevate his wife who is his life, to strangers, speaking of his love for her and the magic she creates for him.

I've seen sacrifice and sorrow, love and truth, moments of departure, acts of resolve, elements of character and proof of heart. I'm exhausted, enlightened and encouraged.

My Rested Reflections

2009-04-22T16:44:00.001-04:00

I like to say "Isabella Rossellini."

I've decided that I don't care much for being yelled at.

I will probably stop talking at a point in my life - by choice.

I feel a strong loyalty to my one-eyed Slovak barber. I am aware that it might be a joke to him to cut my big fat American melon head of Muppet fluff, but I don't want to take that opportunity away from him. Kind of my gesture of "welcome."

Most generosities towards me come from those who can rarely afford it.

I've gone to places I do not belong and ended up fitting in.

I frequently see an equal but opposite reaction, and I am still surprised by it.

I worry about animals in human predicaments. For example, a dog in a car crash, a chimp smoking cigars and donkeys in bonnets.

I do not pretend to understand gravity. It makes no sense to me at all.

If we are friends and your monkey beats me up, I will not sue.

My favorite artificial taste is grape.

I do not like to walk while bent over.

Clothes in the dryer at night sounds like someone is coming.

A lot of people take warm too far.

I can't decide which place would be more difficult to stay. Outer space, underground or in the sea.

If I see bugs in the house ... I kill them. One day, 2 bugs, I kill them. Next day, 4 bugs, I kill them. Next day, 3 bugs, I kill them. Next day, 5 bugs, I kill them. Who is not getting the message?

I cannot stop watching pelicans fly. Simply fascinating to me.

Everyone has something to say that they wish someone else said.

I always wondered if I had the proper neck to wear a Nehru jacket.

Susan Boyle

2009-04-15T18:07:00.001-04:00

Susan Boyle on Britain's Got Talent
by dwarthy

Spicy Tears

2009-03-22T13:19:00.002-04:00

I had Chinese food SO spicy today, my whiskers melted and blood actually came out of my nose. Never challenge a cook that is about to work on your meal. I had to give him the finger point and head nod on the way out. I think I saw him smile and nod back, but I can't be sure since my eyes were filled with molten tears. I also stumbled a little since my toes had curled inside my shoes trying to disassociate themselves from my steaming stupidity.

I am still sweating a little an hour later and for some reason Chu Ci spews freely from my mouth.

Obscure Texas

2009-03-17T00:12:00.000-04:00

Aspiration.

American Dream Interrupted.

Hand Held Night Shot Reflection Pool Dancing Dark.

Hidden Away

2009-03-16T09:58:00.003-04:00

The fun thing is that if you didn't know, you wouldn't know just by driving thru on this old dilapidated, broken down, pot holed, two lane road in the marsh over a bridge that should be condemned.

When Someone Tells You ...

2009-03-14T16:22:00.004-04:00

... to Wang Chung tonight, YOU BETTER DO IT! All I need now is a chimmi chonga and a bosa nova and I'll be mighty skippy gettin' jiggy with it!

Couple of Beach Shots

2009-03-09T19:34:00.003-04:00

80 degrees today with a light breeze, enough to take the edge off.

Thanks To The Keep

2009-03-04T19:53:00.001-05:00

Saw this on another site today. I just had to share it with those of you who know not the keep but do know the ex-chief!

Galveston Mardis Gras

2009-02-27T14:16:00.004-05:00

Many Apologies

2009-02-19T01:12:00.005-05:00

For everyone that has slept with me, near me, around the block from me or in the same neighborhood as me, I offer my sincere apologies. I had no idea. I don't know why it never occurred to me, nor why I have never been startled to my feet at night, but I have digital information that has changed my perspective.

I bought a recorder and set it up to document my sleep habits. Six hours later I had evidence that my sleep was far from silent or peaceful. Snores and snorts and flapping lips galore. I had considered doing a time lapse video of a sleep session, but now I am too afraid.

Sometimes

2009-02-15T22:38:00.002-05:00

Sometimes a baloney sammich doesn't do it. So I had a second one. Not really much difference between the two. I made them both. The second felt more like an extension of the first. It somehow made it seem that the first sammich was one really big sammich and the second sammich never began. I suppose that is where the problem lies. Yeah, my brain knows I ate two of them but the body suspects it was only one that didn't end on schedule. Either way I choose to look at it, one thing is certain, I'm full, and it just happens to be baloney.

Enjoy your day.

Just A Couple Of Quickies

2009-02-12T18:59:00.002-05:00

I've been pretty busy in a non-connected piece of America. Cell coverage is spotty to nonexistent, and I drive 20 minutes at 60 mph to get to a small grocery store for belly supplies. Sometimes I get my text messages the next day or occasionally 4-8 hours after they've been sent. Photos by phone is any one's guess. Lately my wireless Internet just turns off for 5 minutes every once in a while freezing up my screen and communications. When the technology fails, the ocean calls. I walk and plant myself in front of the continuous approach of the gulf's fringe under a sky brilliantly ablaze with stars I am just meeting for the first time. A dog still barks, but under the tones of coercive waves, the urgency dissolves, and the dog is OK with that. Me too.

In the grocery store I was listening to a local sing to his buddy with much glee. The happiness of the event captured me and I stole a closer listen. I didn't understand the words at first since they were being filtered through a set of missing teeth and a thick Texas cowboy twang, but the tune rose above the fractured notes and I recognized one of my favorites. I was surprised and pleased to know that the Spaghetti-O song still shared popularity amongst the happy time shoppers. This guy was even doing motions to the song. Nice interpretive dance! I hope I am that happy one day when my teeth fall out and I serenade a buddy with catchy jingles at a store!

A cat gave me a head nod today. In my world that means a bet has just been placed for a dollar. I nodded back not knowing what it was we were betting on but I figured, one, it was only for a dollar, and two, the cat didn't know where to find me if it needed to collect. On the other hand if I won, how could I take a buck from a cat anyway? Boy will my face be red if the cat had some kind of condition and wasn't betting me at all!

The Hills Are Alive

2009-01-20T10:19:00.003-05:00

I am continually surprised by the power of music. Out of nowhere it can cripple you, elevate you, punch you in the face, sooth your silks or move you to the next cloud.

The inaugural concert "We Are One" was rough. I can't believe HBO has shown it about 97 times in 2 days (they must have a bundle invested in that program). Could somebody please tell Bono to keep his "arse" off our monument, mention to half of the performing "artists" that loud doesn't make it better, and please, everyone, take off your ridiculous sunglasses. I would like to see the cartoon cash register signs go ka-ching along with the insincerity in your bloodshot self important orbs. Way to grab onto someone's coat-tails to promote and ennoble yourself! The music was mediocre and uninspiring.

American Idol. This is the result of the protected, righteous, self esteem driven upbringing of today's "everyone's a winner" child. The more tears I see on their tiny whiney faces of indignation and rejection, the more I appreciate the truth. Everyone does not win. Everyone does not have talent. Everyone is not deserving. I love the tears and the screams of agony when they are excused and tossed aside. Makes the show enjoyable to me. Losers EVERY week, right up to the last show. Delightful.

Give me a child singing something that makes them laugh, a practitioner of sorrow, the sparkles of love, a tender moment of strings and an underbelly of emotion, triumph and defeat, joy and adulation, and of course something that hits me on the one.

I am continually surprised by the power of music. Out of nowhere it can cripple you, elevate you, punch you in the face, sooth your silks or move you to the next cloud.

Video Teleconference Call

2009-01-14T17:05:00.005-05:00

I'm guessing someone out there might appreciate a slice of my day in our beloved government as the "powers that be" embrace technology and show off their wares, highlighting proficiency of newly acquired skill sets and expertise in the field of communication.

Four photographers were assigned to travel to four different locations here in Texas to photograph a video teleconference call between the four different offices; Austin, Beaumont, Houston and Galveston. This conference call was to begin at 1pm and go on until 3pm. Photos taken of the event were to be downloaded, color corrected, captioned and uploaded to D.C. by 4pm eastern time. (That translates to 3pm Texas time.)

Of course I was shaking my head as usual. If you wanted to document the VTC, all you had to do is select record. The point of a VTC is that you don't have to travel to other locations wasting time and resources, the data and images go instead of you, for you, electronically.

So you have four guys driving hundreds of miles to take photos of images, already being broadcast, that will have to be downloaded onto laptops and emailed, as well as copied to a disk to "fed-ex" overnight to D.C. as a back-up of the images you just took of people sitting around a table watching themselves on TV. Unless of course you were at my assigned station in Galveston.

They had some trouble turning on the Polycom this morning and couldn't connect to any of the other offices (five hours early) and decided the solution was to drive to Houston to join the VTC being conducted there, and of course not informing me of the change.

I have multiple emails stressing the importance of how I had to be there to photograph this event and get the pics up to headquarters pronto. I had to research where the call was being made since that info was not provided to me. I did not have a contact name or phone number to call or any way to contact anyone by any conventional method. They were all on the road driving to Houston.

No info, big demands, no tools to do the job, everything immediately.

When they finally do look at the photos from my end of things, I will be the one fired. Almost smack down time.

Bird Mystery

2009-01-11T22:59:00.002-05:00

I've been watching birds and wondering. This guy stands on that light post for hours everyday. I watch. Other birds fly around and try to land. He opposes them and they go. Birds want to land but are not allowed. Could be multiple birds attempting to join and this one guy manages to shoo them away.

I look at these birds and they are all the same size. If they were to switch places or share the spot, I couldn't tell them apart from each other easily. They are all very similar, but yet one dictates what's what. Why do the other birds back off? They are the same size. They have the same beak. The same claws. The same stick legs. The same bird brain.

Since the physical is the same, what is the determining factor that sets one bird above another? I don't think they go through any martial arts training, no birds are hiding any weapons in their feathers, and certainly one bird does not lift weights while another sweats to the oldies with Richard Simmons. Is it just attitude? Can one bird give a scarier stink eye than another? Is one bird a certified bad boy and another just a bird without a badge? How is rank and superiority decided?

I can't figure it out. It's a bird mystery!

3 Five Dollar Tiki Tookies

2009-01-10T13:19:00.004-05:00

Hot night at the beach. Getting late and sleepy. Hungry too. I decide to eat first, sleep next. Maybe about 4 blocks away is a drive thru Wendy's open until 1 am. I'm mobile and hungry. Off I go and get my #2 plain, size large, with Coca Cola.

Back at the hotel with my bag of food and drink, I wait for the elevator to take me to my suite along with 3 other guests waiting to get upstairs. It is the slowest elevator ever. I could walk the 8 flights of stairs instead of waiting, but did I mention I was tired and that I was carrying my bag of food and drink?

The 3 other guests have just spent quite a few hours at the Tiki Bar. An especially active few hours considering their smell and motor function skills. The girl next to me says something smells good. I say, "I get that all of the time!" Mister funny man.

One of the two other guys jumps in, "Yeah man, you smell great. So does your food. Where did you get it?" Of course my bag from WENDY'S has little WENDY'S picture all over it and a great big red WENDY'S printed on at least two sides of the WENDY'S bag. The cup is also adorned in a similar WENDY'S way. Knowing this crew was inebriated, I decide to have some fun and told them I got it delivered from Pizza Hut.

Elevator arrives and opens the doors.

The girl says, "I wish we got delivery, I'm starving. I'll give you $5 for it." I smirk and question the fact that she wants to give me five bucks for a meal I just paid $8 for, plus tip! The talking guy takes a stab to snag my bag and says, "I'll buy it!" Of course he misses, way too slow, and I taunt him a little by waving the bag at him giving him the ah ah ah!

Doors finally close and we are on our way.

I now declare, "Since all of you are hungry, why don't you each give me $5 and you can share it."

"Dude! You got a deal!" The happy three are now laughing and high-fiving each other because of their score. They give me the loot and the elevator stops at their floor. They exit, thanking me for grub while still laughing and doing a little dancing down the hall.

Elevator door closes.

I now have $15 dollars in the same hand the bag of food is in. Satisfying!

Race Car Molly & Jolly Ollie

2009-01-08T22:32:00.006-05:00

"What do you mean I can't park here? Jerk-head!"

Race Car Molly and her husband Jolly Ollie went to the Tiki Bar at my hotel for a cool beverage or two. Molly parked her car on the side street behind a Hummer. The street was perpendicular to the ocean across a 5 lane avenue. When the owner of the Hummer came out to leave, some tipsy tootilers pointed out that the red car was up against his bumper. Hummer man proclaimed that "It's a Hummer!", shrugged his shoulders and drove off.

When he drove away there was nothing to prevent the red car from rolling on. It did so across the 5 lanes of traffic, over some parking curbs, the pedestrian pavement and over the concrete sea wall. No one was in the car. No one crashed into as it traveled un-womaned. No one was struck by the vehicle. No one was on the beach. No one was injured.

They might have been Race Car Molly's jeans he was wearing, but those are really Jolly Ollie's legs. No trick photography.

Sandless Beach

2009-01-02T08:56:00.002-05:00

Oh those wacky kids of Galveston Island. They need a sign to say no swimming on a beach without sand, submerged in rough waters with rows of jagged, mostly covered rocks of certain slippery death. Kind of like the coffee cups of McDonald's stating the contents are hot. I bet if they could they would suspend signs at 1000 feet in the air saying don't jump from here or above.

Still Cleaning

2009-01-01T17:23:00.003-05:00

A few more pics I've come across while freeing up some space on my laptop.

I think animals are wonderful models. No agendas. They are what they are.

Paper or Plastic?

2008-12-31T17:29:00.008-05:00

I have just engaged in battle against a bag of chips for a longer period of time than I care to state. I am frustrated. I am sore. I am cut and strained. I am feeling agitation and fury. I am eating the chips once locked away, but I feel no victory and I have sweat on my brow and diminutive self esteem.

Some men have weaknesses that are easily understood and accepted. My weakness is packaging.

When it is said that one cannot fight one's way out of a paper bag, I say nonsense. I'll kick a paper bag's butt up and down the street for days! I don't know anyone besides my friend, who I will call Pastor Don for anonymity, that might have difficulty showing a paper bag who is boss. Once you introduce plastic to the equation of the bag's construction, I struggle. I become bald Samson. I am a toothless gator, a chicken with no cluck and a cake made with carrots. I am ashamed.

I can see the folks at XOCHITL Inc. high-fiving each other and celebrating over the gringo's grueling grapple with the Totopos de Maiz, or their sorrow at what I've done to their bag, weeping, hoping I don't get my mitts on any of their other products for fear of what I might do.

The evidence is clear. I will never get this bag resealed. Now I must eat ALL OF IT'S CONTENTS in one seating. Take a good look at how they mock me!

I hope this is not indicative of the new year to come.

2nd Black Friday

2008-12-28T03:33:00.005-05:00

How ridiculous is that? I went to the mall anyway against every piece of screaming brain I had laying around the hotel. Not much else to do in Houston so my body decided to go without any intelligence.

It was close to forty people per square yard, not stacked, but bunched, all moving at a gum chewing fast food cashier's pace. Torturous. My teeth were growing faster than the march of the penguins of which I was immersed. The mall was a mistake.

I busted out.

On my way back to the hotel, hoofing at a more intense gait, a guy in the parking lot begins to call for me. I did not recognize him, but he was sure it was me.

"Hey! Where ya going? 'Member me? Hold up, hold up. We did time together! 'Member? It's me, Mike! We did time!"

I just left several acres of lunatics and now this guy wants to reminisce about our time in the slammer during better days. I give my regular response, "Nope."

That was not enough for Mikey. He is now going to convince me that I am his long lost major amigo. I apparently made an impression on him and was about to be the recipient of some man love long overdue. He is now catching up to me because his purpose is rising. Now he is calling out my name. "Philip! Philip!"

I went with my instincts fashioned from every prison comedy movie I've seen. Act crazy and the crazies will leave you alone. I come to a quick, abrupt stop, spin around and move aggressively towards Mike yelling, "Philip? You think I'm Philip? I just put Philip in the hospital. YOU A FRIEND OF HIS?!! HE OWES ME MONEY!" I give him the Dangerfield eyes and do the Terminator 2 run after the car routine with karate chop hands.

He reacted better than I could have hoped for by screaming it was a mix-up, a mistake, and tossed in a couple of sorrys as he ran away much faster than I could ever have moved.

Maybe I'll go to the mall tomorrow.

Sorry McWeasel

2008-12-25T01:42:00.003-05:00

Avert your eyes if you desire bliss. Dare you descry, no longer can you revere yourself. Alas, a new champion takes stage.

Holiday Observations

2008-12-24T23:59:00.006-05:00

I've been in Texas for what seems a while now and my dislike for Houston continues. In my ongoing quest of seeing the beauty wherever I go despite the dislike, I've come across a few gems for the holidays, right here in cowboy land.

I saw a young lady walking through the mall wearing a complete burkha/burka/burqa with just a tiny section exposing her eyes. While that alone is not an unremarkable sight, what made it most extraordinary for me was that the young lady was wearing enormous, almost cartoon like, false eyelashes. Striking and unusual. It was nice to see the quiet defiance and I enjoyed her statement.

A little fat boy wearing a kippah/yarmulke, probably 8-10 years old, was pretending to be an elevator operator in my hotel. Very politely he would ask what floor and then proceed to press the button for me. When we arrived at my floor and the doors opened he wished me a good day. I rode on that elevator multiple times as I was doing laundry on the 6th floor while my room is on the 10th floor, my car parked on the 4th floor and dining was on the 1st floor. He performed his assumed duties until about 8 o'clock that evening. It was a delight to see the youngster take an interest in the service industry and to take the initiative to serve on his own. I wish him well. We smiled a few times. He smiled more when I tipped him and called him "my good man."

I struggle when attempting to differentiate the name Craig from Greg. I know Gregs and I know Craigs but I am never sure if what I think I know is correct. A friend's father has called me Bill for almost 20 years. I have never corrected him. At the Amigo Mart I heard a few locals refer to Greg's list online to find auto parts. When I visit the website I type Craig's list. It is an odd comfort to be part of a struggle that seems universal.

Christmas eve is blending into Christmas as I sit here typing. I want to thank 7 good friends that made sure my old "New Friends" had a great Christmas party full of music, gifts and love. I was sad to not be there for the party but was glad for Barb and Bob, Jody and Craig, Cathy and Mick, and of course Joe! Their contribution of self was appreciated by everyone there, especially Helen and by one absent goof sitting in Houston. Very touching and confirming of the fact that extraordinary people exist and that there is still hope for the future because of them.

Clinton Legacy

2008-12-23T02:27:00.000-05:00

I was going through some photos I've taken this year to clear room on my laptop and I came across a few that struck me funny. Groundhog or prairie dog, I don't know which is correct, but i do know that he did not have sex with that ... woman.

Make People

2008-12-11T11:33:00.003-05:00

You can make people angry, happy, scared, miserable, excited, joyous and an entire gamut of other emotions and states of mind. You just can't make people be nice.

You can't make them thoughtful or kind or responsible or anything else they really are not. You can make people do the right thing but they will resent it and you. For example, there is something very aberrant with court ordered, mandated community service as a penalty for crime.

People are like dogs, only with a more calculated, refined and controlled sense of display.

You can take a well fed fat dog's food away after he's finished eating and he's still going to find some more room in his belly to bite you. Try to take a rich man's penny or a politician's thunder. I've had an official personally appointed to his position by the President of The United States threaten me and my career within the first 4 minutes of our meeting. I learned that size, fury and close proximity trump "said" authority. I am still working and have not yet been "removed", wink wink, slide the finger across the nose.

You can make people aware but you cannot make people change.

With these thoughts in mind I begin my preparations for the holiday season.

Doctors Are Gonna Be The Death Of Me

2008-11-20T10:45:00.004-05:00

When you get to be old, fat and sore, they got ya! Gimme your blood. Lay here. Take that off. Stick this there. We need three more tests from five other labs. Sorry, we have to hook you up again. Don't move even though you have to stand on one foot bent over while reaching above your head as they place a freezing cold piece of metal on your bare back. Breathe in deep and let it out and breathe in deep and let it out and breathe in deep and - hey, I get it. This is gonna hurt a little since these 47 probes are stuck to your hair. Now sit there and take the following humiliation; based on my medical experience being a new doctor at the practice, you are too fat, you are too old, you are a funny one and you are scaring me.

I suppose it was worth a couple hundred bucks to hear what I see in the mirror everyday.

Now the fun part. Medications. Go to the pharmacy and take a satchel with you to carry your new maintenance drugs that you'll be taking for the rest of your life until we can figure out a way to charge you for some extra medications to counter the side effects from our originally prescribed regiment since we have no intentions of curing your ailment, only to treat the symptoms until my children finish med school and I finish my vacation house in Antigua. Don't worry about not having medical insurance, we'll take $5 off the visit charge but we'll have to add $10.50 if you pay with a credit card due immediately when we are finished with you. Make sure you make another appointment for 2 weeks even though we are booked solid for three months.

Nice seeing you. Enjoy your day.

Mystery Drawer

2008-11-12T04:18:00.002-05:00

I have a four drawer filing cabinet next to my desk. It is a tall set of drawers, one drawer stacked above another, four drawers high. I know the floor is slanted. The high end of the floor is at the back of the four drawer filing cabinet. The low end of the floor is at the front of the four drawer filing cabinet. Because of the tilt of the floor, the four drawer filing cabinet leans forward. The top part of the four drawer filing cabinet leans forward the most making the four drawer filing cabinet appear to be toppling over in the direction that the four drawers would open.

That said, the science and physics involved with gravity and leverage and leaning and geometry and such would dictate to me that if any of the drawers were to slide open because of the angle the four drawer filing cabinet is sitting, the top drawer, having the most extreme tilt, would be the drawer to slide open.

No.

In this house the bottom drawer of the four drawer filing cabinet is the one that opens. I close it, look at it, turn away, look back again and nothing. If I leave the room or get involved with something else, the bottom drawer opens. I close it again. I press on it hard making sure it is closed all of the way much like positioning billiard balls on a table making certain nothing rolls or moves when I lift the rack. I gracefully and carefully remove my mitts from the drawer with the same mechanics, making certain that the drawer does not move or shift. I am watching it the entire time. It is closed firmly and completely.

All of the REAL Stooges are dead. There are no hidden cameras and Ashton doesn't know me or where I live in order to "punk" me. There is nothing alive in the drawers or behind them. I do not live in the amazing "Mystery Hole" of West Virginia. Items do not roll uphill unassisted here. There are no strings attached and no false bottoms. All of the other drawers have been cooperating and functioning as usual in an expected, uneventful, normal fashion. I am the prankster here and I am on hiatus.

Currently I am looking at the bottom drawer of the four drawer filing cabinet wide open as though I have been rooting through it trying to get something from the very back. Did I mention that this behavior of the drawer began yesterday? Could it be global warming? Am I living inside of a cuckoo clock? Could this be Obama's first major test of his presidency?

Brilliant Acceptance

2008-11-05T16:08:00.003-05:00

As I watched Obama read from the left and right teleprompters behind bullet proof glass in a well orchestrated moment complete with soundtrack, perfect lighting and staging, I wondered who and how many people contributed to the writing of that masterpiece he read so eloquently?

Who prepared the setting, decided on the size and shape and placement of the stage, who chose the music and who went into the studio to record it, who set up the electronics, where were they purchased or rented and for how much money? Where did the funds come from and how much did this "impromptu" acceptance speech cost? How long and how many hours were dedicated to this one moment? How long has it been in the works?

I wondered how does an honorable man accept the praise and benefit for the words he delivers knowing everything is scripted and produced and checked and corrected and approved by countless others?

When did reading a written word become more important than actual actions? Great speech. So what? Yap yap yap. A prepared speech does nothing but elevate the speaker. Signing on the dotted line gets things going.

I was also curious how men currently holding office in the government can separate themselves from policies and actions and decisions made by the government when they were a part of the government that created and accepted the situations that currently exist? How do they dare say we need change from the current administration while being a part of that current administration they are condemning? Why do they champion change only when they are soliciting your vote?

Yes we can. Sure we can. But why didn't we before? Why didn't you before? Why do you expect us to believe you will now? I hope you do.

Even with all of these thoughts and questions, I watched and hoped. I was watching an historic event of unknown outcome and of uncertain direction. New management. Old employees. Now what?

I was horrified that I might be watching Obama's last moment, and because of that horror, I continued to watch like I did when O.J. was riding along in his Bronco followed by police a million years ago. A hit on Obama last night could have sent our country into chaos and ruin. The "terrorists" could easily have won. I was and remain fearful for our incumbent.

I am hopeful that we did not elect the best looking candidate or the youngest or the most popular and stylish candidate or the candidate with the best looking wife or the candidate that reads and acts very well or the candidate that shook my hand or kissed my momma or came to my work place and made promises that were not his to give. I am not yet convinced.

I am hopeful. I am not naive. I am thankful. I am wary.

We Shall See

2008-11-04T15:54:00.002-05:00

If you were not aware ...

2008-10-16T18:23:00.003-04:00

... I am back in Pennsylvania. Forget about that Texas stars are bright thing. The air was thick, the sun has a smell, the Alamo is a shed and the tall hat tradition with toe-backy in the cheek should come to an end. Cowboy hats and chew go hand in hand like a polka moves the seniors. They might love it but they can't pull it off on the dance floor anymore.

Finally the delight of autumn emerges in a place that performs all four seasons, and does it well. I'm liking PA!

Moon

2008-10-15T17:34:00.001-04:00

The moon was so bright last night the clouds could not cover it.

Update

2008-09-16T19:18:00.003-04:00

I am still in Texas and going into the soup that was Galveston Island tomorrow. Still not much electricity in Houston, but my hotel has power and ice. The president says hi!

On the way down here I saw a sign with an arrow pointing to Old Potato Road. When I passed the street I saw the street sign which looked hand made and spray painted. It definitely was Old Potato Road. That leads me to believe there is a Potato Road which is current and probably called Potato Road. Perhaps there is also a New Potato Road or various other stages of Potato. I can only hope. (This is my entertainment now that I am without TV).

Didn't Glen Campbell sing something about Galveston?

Time To Save The Day

2008-09-04T18:58:00.003-04:00

I was called on Saturday night to travel and get to Texas before Gustav did. Drop everything and run run run. Forget Puerto Rico, get to Texas ... JUST IN CASE! This is gonna be the mother of all storms ever. It will be the storm of the century (which is only eight years old). Puppies have rabies, babies are toxic and hairy frogs are falling from the sky and will put your eye out.

In reality, Gustav splashed Texas with a drizzle and a spit in one tiny area next to Louisiana. So for four days I have traveled up and down and sideways twice looking for something other than sunshine in Texas. Not that I'm complaining, Texas seems nice, but I wish there was more of a purpose to be here in order to validate the horrors and intensely screamed declarations made by the media and politicians. I have stayed at four different hotels in four nights. I am a refugee of the storm that never was.

We had satellite trucks and video contractors and media monitors and Public Information Officers and hundreds of others waiting and seeing and foaming at the mouth for disaster and mayhem so we could step in and be the heroes of the Republican Convention. Democrats still seem smug.

Eeeeeeeeeee Aw.

Maybe next week!

Scales are WAY OFF

2008-08-27T16:42:00.004-04:00

4 visits so far for one tooth.

4 separate days off from work so far for one tooth.

$1535 cost so far for one tooth.

2 more visits scheduled, 2 more days off from work, and an additional estimated cost of $650-$1000, so far for one tooth.

To clarify. When I say for one tooth, it is the same tooth, over and over and over.

Worst case scenario. 6 days lost from work = approximately $2700. 6 dental visits and charges = approximately $2535. Total cost for one tooth = $5235, provided they are able to "save" the tooth. A tooth that cannot even be seen in my widest grin.

On the other side of that coin, the price of a new deluxe blender = $65.

My face still tingles and I have drool leaking from my mouth. I only know about the drool because my shirt is soaked in the front and it is not raining. I do not have a lot of warm fuzzies for the dentist or the health care system.

Enjoy your day.

Po Little Tics

2008-08-25T03:41:00.002-04:00

I try to not get wrapped up in politics and contests weighing the worth of candidates. Having traveled with and spending some time with the president and governors and senators and congressmen and many of the other elected pretend servants of the people, it is clear to me that government is a business of self promotion, self agendas and prosperity of one's self.

All of the deception that is so freely wrangled and dispensed, expected and accepted, alarms me.

For at least one week prior to the announcement that Senator Joe Biden from Delaware was selected as Senator Obama's running mate for the office of Vice-President, interview after interview, question after question, night after night on the news, inquiries and requests for an honest answer regarding his selection were all responded to in the same manner by Mr. Biden, "I am not the guy."

Some might find that action harmless and minute. I find it blaring and inexcusable. If a lie is the preferred choice for a question so innocuous, what will be the choice of response for questions of real concern and importance?

I don't want someone that comfortable with lies to speak. Ever. I don't care to hear anything a liar has to say. If you are going to flap trash out of your yap and disguise yourself in order to further deceive, at least be clever about it. Expend some effort. Don't opt for the Trump "dupe dee do" and keep your gaping hole to the wall behind you to feign youth. If you make a smirk be prepared to take a smack. Think it's funny to make your "Thank you, come again" jokes about hard working tax paying Indian business owners? You are aware that "The Simpsons" is a cartoon comedy show and not a vehicle of diplomacy?

I guess I should apologize now because what I regarded as a lie, the well thought out and probably rehearsed comment that got me started on this rant, just may be the only truth we will hear in this whole campaign. Biden, you are correct. You are not the guy.

Hey Barack, think this thick piece of slime is going to help you? And what about you? Do you think your own tricks will bring success? No longer coloring or graying your hair intentionally to appear older? Rolling up the sleeves of your $200 blouse to emulate a regular working man? Smoking a butt in the secret closet Mr. Clean Cut No-Vice Mr. Clean? The air pressure in my tires is fine but the gas in my tank is still well over $3 a gallon. I can't wait to see the Barbara Walters interview with your wife doing her best Robin Givens on her man!

This is going to be one ridiculous week of senseless chants and claims, artificial solutions and back scratching side mouthed praises. If you have the opportunity to meet and greet any of these front runners, leave your wife or girlfriend home, make sure you count your fingers after a hand shake and sterilize your baby's face after a kiss.

Rant Number 487

2008-08-20T04:42:00.002-04:00

I know when you put kitty litter out, turds will appear. In much the same manner, if you build a Wal-Mart, they will come.

I am aware and understand the attraction of low prices and large selection in a single location. I get it, really. What I have difficulty with is how a brand new store can get so raggedy so quickly. How does a new building acquire 20 years of disarray in 2 weeks? Why do I have to negotiate around the homesteading family in aisle 6, skids of Haier air conditioners priced at $49.91, crates of decaying flavorless pale colored grapes, trash filled carts and employees smelling of sauer kraut comparing skin rashes and bad hair with each other while on a seemingly endless cigarette break in order to find a price on the 3 DVD box set of Pavarotti Sings the Songs of Travis Twitt and Other Looney Tune Favorites?

Is it really worth the effort to visit a Wal-Mart in order to purchase low cost television converter boxes using $40 discount savings cards from the National Telecommunications and Information Administration - one of many masks worn by the U.S. Department of Commerce - along with the purchase of non-discounted HDTV antennas priced anywhere from $20 to $80 to translate digital signals to your antiquated TV set that you are encouraged to replace anyway in order to receive over the air free broadcast programming to fill your home with advertising and droll, mundane, dated, unoriginal rehashed sit-coms as yet another vehicle for product placement and the brainwashing control of the family, excuse me, consumer group? Yeah, that was a question!

I no longer sport a mullet, but if I decided to take that route on a journey back to those crazy 80's, Wal-Mart offers several versions at their in-house hair salon along with pedicures and vision exams located next to the Sub-Way Restaurant just in front of the 27 closed registers and the angry cashier by the self service check-outs.

I know. They actually call Sub-Way a restaurant.

I see that I have to wake up in a few minutes to get ready to go to work. This is going to be another pleasant day. Go to work and make that money so Wal-Mart can be a reality on pay day. Hmmmm. If I choose to no longer go to Wal-Mart, I really don't need to go to work which means I won't have to get up to get ready to go to work. I smell a day off coming.

So Good

2008-08-08T10:19:00.000-04:00

It is great when something is so good you do not trust its legitimacy. So good you suspect something is wrong. So good you are waiting for the poison to contaminate your being.

I have found several things so good that I await the hammer on the back of the head.

Philippine Brand Dried Pineapple that is naturally tree ripened pineapple sold at Sam's Club in a stay fresh resealable zipper bag. I will probably be put on Jim Neighbor's hit list for not buying Hawaiian or attacked by a large hairy venomous spider with an extra set of jumping legs straight out of the product pouch.

The Speakman 6-Jet Anystream Showerhead. Take out the removable water saver and enjoy a powerful sting of water to wash the muck away. I carry one with me wherever I go. The drawback on this baby is that when I travel, TSA continues to pilfer it right out of my checked in baggage. I have purchased at least 8 of them in the past few years and they are not cheap. I suspect I'll get more of the same treatment from our blessed government when I upgrade to the 8-Jet (a beautiful dream). Speakman, TSA and Osama are probably all in cahoots and have a good laugh about it at Bennigan's behind closed doors and boarded windows.

Sliced bread, fire and the wheel. No. I say bubbles in the drink. Can't explain it, but bubbles make it good. So good. Mountain Dew, Birch Beer, Pepsi, Sprite, Black Cherry Wisniak, Welch's Grape. Can't be anything wrong with soda! Bubbles dissipate, liquids cool and hydrate, flavor excites and satisfies.

My Purple Lazy Boy Sleeper Couch with motorized air mattress and matching pillows. Comfort beyond belief. No rails of old splitting your spine, sporting cushions that bounce back after enormous sitting pressure and I must have mentioned that it was purple, the color of royalty derived from red and blue - hot and cold - passion and respite. All who sit upon it fall into fast unexpected sleep (unless you've been on it before-then you expect the sleep) and its simple classic styling exhibiting class to all that gaze upon it. The only negative would be the smells of sleeping slobbering dirty butts embedded in the cushions that require a regular unhealthy dose of Febreeze.

I am on sensory overload now just thinking of these few "so good"s. I'll have to get a shower, drink some Dew and ingest pineapple on the purple couch.

If there is something that moves you in the "so good" realm, feel free and encouraged to share. Enjoy.

Baltimore Inner Harbor

2008-07-31T20:20:00.012-04:00

Took a ride to Baltimore to see what was happening in the Inner Harbor. After a slight detour (missed the exit) the excitement began! Here are a few of the sights I enjoyed.

Lots of dragons were in line for a paddling. Four passenger crafts with a 600 pound weight limit. I dared not ask my date what she was packing since I already spanned half the limit by myself. We walked.

This bird must have had a glimpse into the future where dogs eat french fries. Birdie must get his fill before then. I'm not sure if this is part of a regular bird's diet, but I watched and laughed and had a good old time. I am a simple man. Bird ate quite a few.

This guy hasn't eaten in a while but I'm certain a large order of fries wouldn't due, although they can be filling.

I cannot get away from these things. Maybe I'll have duck for dinner this week to gain power over their presence.

Prince Charming was there. I hear he likes crabs.

"Look, if you're not gonna wear the uniform ... "

Sometimes a smile will reveal your intentions, thoughts, and emotions, or at least what you had to eat recently. I don't know what's up with this guy but I am glad for thick glass. Stay out of the water.

How Good Is This?

2008-07-21T03:51:00.003-04:00

Another life long dream realized! The only thing that could have made it any better would have been Mr. T driving it!

Proclamation of Independence

2008-07-04T14:30:00.006-04:00

Look at them. All smug in their new found purpose. I never liked them and I don't care who says what about any benefits derived from their consumption.

Bunch of little blue boils all banded together crusading to be useful, but failing with me. I have no taste or use for the little pustules. Anti-oxidants. Anthocyanins. I'm keeping my oxidants and they can keep their anthocyanins. I am not a plant anyway, and if I was, I'd be embarrassed to be protected by a blueberry.

On this great day of celebration and jubilation I hereby proclaim my independence from blueberries. From now on it is a state of anti-blueberryism for me. I freely and generously give raspberries to blueberries. I will not succumb to their blueberry tactics and stand boldly and defiant in their blue head faces!

Sorry, no offense intended towards the Blue Man Group - love those guys!

Muck Luck

2008-07-01T10:46:00.007-04:00

I had a bit of a life threatening scare in Lake Delton, Wisconsin. This lake drained because of flooding that destroyed a dam and eroded the bed and sidewalls. This lake was 297 acres in volume. Boats were still tied at the docks, but they were either dangling in mid air or stuck in the mud since there was no water. I was taking video of the area with a government camera and taking some stills with my personal camera.

I was getting some great shots from above but thought it would give better perspective if I shot some stuff from inside the lake. I found a shore and proceeded to walk to the middle of this massive hole. After I got some more video and stills I turned to begin my route back to shore but could not find any of my tracks. I thought it best to take the shortest, most direct route out.

I traveled a little bit and hit a soft spot in the floor. My foot went into the sand up to my knee. When I tried to step back with my other foot to solid ground, I stepped into another soft spot. Just the day before it was explained to me when walking on levees or river beds and such, the hardest ground will be where water is flowing. The weight of the water compresses the ground down firmly, making it more solid and compacted to walk on. With this in mind I skedaddle to get to a water flow about 10 feet from where I was.

Once I planted my foot where I was told it would be solid, I sank again, this time both feet were going in steadily and I was now up to my thighs in this quicksand muck in the middle of a drained lake, by myself, with no one else around. As I struggled to pull my legs up I sank more.

Now up to my waist and still sinking I had to decide quickly what to do. In one hand was my camera. In the other hand was the government video camera. I needed my hands and arms and feet and whatever else I had in order to get horizontal to the floor and attempt to float on this muck.

The more I tried to keep my arms up keeping the cameras dry, the quicker I sank. Now I am in up to my chest and had to lean forward with my body, kick up with my legs and get flat. Both cameras got wet and filled with sand, permanently destroying them.

I did manage to do a floating crawl, leaning on my forearms, spread as wide as possible with my legs and arms, sprawled out to cover as much ground as possible in order to displace my weight as best as I could. It took 20 minutes before I found ground firm enough to stand on.

The whole time this was going on I never panicked or got scared. It was just all very matter of fact - rely on common sense and stuff I've learned on TV - and get out of there. When I got back on the shore and out of the lake I found myself unable to breathe, panting hard and gasping for air from the rigorous exercise I just had. I didn't realize how strenuous it all was until it was over.

Needless to say, I lived. My camera did not. I had no insurance on it and the feds will not compensate me for the loss. The camera was only a month old. The government video camera was dead too. Of course they are buying a new one to replace it, but anything they do takes months to accomplish. Without any cameras, I cannot do my job so I went home, unpaid, having to replace all of my stuff that I just bought, with money I do not have to keep buying the same gear over and over.

Now when I look back and think about it, it's a little unsettling. I get tense about not being able to breathe and being buried alive in a spot where no one would have ever found me, in darkness and cold wet muck, unable to move. Seems a tad dramatic, but I don't think it comes close to expressing how bad it was and could have been.

I think I need a cookie.

I'll Never Forget The Look In His Eye!

2008-06-22T17:20:00.006-04:00

I'm hesitant to say so, but I can't shake the thought.

Sleeping the other night, I was deep in a dream. Driving down a highway I am forced to stop by two ducks that were on the road ahead. I think someone was with me, I don't know who, but they were not very helpful. I get out of the car and approach the mallard. I raise my hands, arms outstretched, then leaned my head forward and asked, "What's the deal?"

Of course there was no spoken answer, but the drake responded by staring at me with those black eyes and a smirk. I made a quick darting motion as if I was going to charge at him, but the duck did not flinch. He stood perfectly still, not stunned, but defiant in a mocking way.

Stupid duck.

Now we go at it. I'm bobbing and weaving and jabbing away and he's giving me the wiggle neck with flapping and quacking. I throw a hook that ended up being two feet higher than his head and he snorted with laughter. He was a lot shorter than I calculated and flippant to boot! I think he spit at me. I toss a kick his way but he easily sidesteps it. What have I got myself into? I throw a few shots that get some feathers flying. I tell him, "I'm having Drake's cakes tonight!"

Just when I think I'm starting to hold my own the little bugger leaps up and bites me. My hand is stuck between his bill and I can't get loose. What a grip this bird has got! I'm thrashing my arm violently and flicking out of control to try to release my hand from his mouth. He's not letting go. I have a duck on my hand, I can't get free, and now he gives me a crazy victory look that seals the deal with a deafening squawk. I ended up walking around the ducks and left my car behind, choosing to walk in shame. I thought you were supposed to win stuff and be a hero in your dreams.

No wonder I'm depressed.

Lesson Learned In Illinois

2008-06-20T00:37:00.010-04:00

   Quick is NOT always good
   AND
   Loose Meat = Loose Stool

Travel Log Wisconsin

2008-06-19T21:40:00.004-04:00

Folks in Wisconsin like their trucks Peterbilt, their silos in multiples, and they like the peace stylings of Desmond Tutu (billboards of him are all over the place).

If you're looking to run over deer, come here. I've seen no less than a dozen laying on the road no matter what road I take.

If the sign says open 24 hours, get there early because they close at 9.

I can't tell if there is an evident accent because corn speaks seldom.

The gas station will call Pizza Hut and have mini pies delivered to you there.

All of the Targets and Wal-Marts are Super. No mediocrity here.

The Mississippi is chocolaty thick brown up here too. Wonka must be in Canada.

There are three distinct smells. Cow. Pig. Farmer.

The full moon took up two thirds of the sky. I should have suggested suspenders.

Bugs are the new carpeting for windshields.

Cheese curdles for a reason. I've seen bags of it.

Busy Week

2008-06-18T02:06:00.002-04:00

Scranton, Pennsylvania, St. Louis, Missouri, Des Moines, Iowa, Madison, Wisconsin and then Chicago, Illinois. I've met Congressmen, Governors and a lot of friends I haven't seen since Katrina in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. In addition to all of the traveling my days are 20-22 hours long, 7 days a week, no weekends off.

It's only Wednesday and I'm a little bit weary. I don't think my teeth are going to make it, but I don't mind the thought of watching a big LCD HD television in surround sound on my purple couch with fake choppers when this rash of work is done.

Found My Next House

2008-06-10T12:28:00.004-04:00

West Virginia. This might be my new mansion on the hill. All that is missing is electricity, clean water, a pot to sit on and a DirecTV dish.

They will be my new neighbors. In West Virginia these guys are used as watch dogs. Someone comes by, they start quacking. Clever. Maybell, go git the gun.

This is the main highway to town. No traffic jams here!

Just call me a dreamer!

D.C. Last Thoughts

2008-06-04T02:24:00.002-04:00

I saw something that appealed to me on many different levels. It was a little bit sad as well as funny, death defying, inspiring, entertaining, heart wrenching and one of those deals where you know you are not supposed to stare but you can't look away.

Near the White House there is a place where you can rent a fantastic transportation device called a Segway. I watched in awe as a guy suffering from Parkinson's disease was scooting around on one. I know, that's wrong, but the principle and mechanics of the machine are based on the individual's body motion to navigate it. I'm sorry, but that was some funny stuff.

The look of terror and delight on the guy's face tickled me. Made me wonder about the person that rented it to him. Mr. Jokey Joke, Mr. Equal Opportunity or Mr. Get Rich Quick Off Of Insurance Settlement?

D.C. Day 2

2008-06-03T23:21:00.001-04:00

I went to the back of the joint so as not to embarrass Dubya, but they were working on the lawn ...

... so I parked around the front and went in like respectable folks do when they come to visit.

With all of the brilliant architecture here ...

... it makes you wonder about the construction of things today.

Even the light fixtures are extraordinary around some of these historic marvels, but I have to ask ...

... WHAT IS UP WITH THIS?

D.C. Day 1

2008-06-02T22:52:00.011-04:00

I guess we're trying to trade our bums now. Good thing we have a department for that.

Steps to the Capitol.

No visitors allowed ... today.

What's with the palm trees? Somebody's been watching Scarface!

Dick Cheney was there. People wanted to have him arrested for war crimes.

Especially this guy.

Shiney.

All of the organizations have their own motorcycles. All Harley's, all white, and for some reason, they were all at the Marriott. Guess they heard I was here.

Yesterday's Comments

2008-05-29T12:43:00.001-04:00

You know that's right! Werd!

Memorial Day

2008-05-28T09:28:00.000-04:00

Holiday weekend is over. Flags were flying, wieners and dogs consumed, weather was great and the neighbors stayed on their side of the fence. Happy times.

Now that I've had a chance to sit in my own crapulence to reflect, only 2 issues come to mind.

Number one. Why is it so difficult to find an American flag made in America? Even the flags sold by The American Flag Company sport the "made in China" tag. Granted, the tag blends in and the type is small, but doesn't it strike anyone else a bit odd that we display our colors courtesy of the Chinese?

Number two. I don't find anything interesting or poignant about country or western music (yes, I've included BOTH types of music). Just because you smoke and drink and shoot and clap on the 2 and 4 beat with pointy boots and toothless women doesn't make you patriotic. Throwing firecrackers at your dog and whoopin' and hollerin' in a dialect as foreign to me as a Klingon lullaby doesn't give you a foothold on being an example of being American. If you only know three major chords on the guitar and adorn your balding head with a greasy truck logo baseball cap that smells like dirty feet while wearing a Nascar inspired tee, get off the porch, pick up your trash and don't bother telling me how great this country is. I already know. Go make your money off of someone else with your business motivated anthems of denero pride disguised as a national salute.

Having stated that, please allow me to express my gratitude to all of those true patriots who have served our country with their hearts and real sacrifice, preserving our freedom, defending our ideals and giving us a land where we can celebrate diversity and can also poo poo whatever we want because our opinions do not have to be what someone else tells us. Nice. I honor you. Thank you.

Here's Why I Have Trouble Writing

2008-05-22T21:22:00.003-04:00

Top three headlines for today.

Deadly Tornadoes Rip Through Colorado

More than 51,000 Confirmed Dead in China Quake

Ellen DeGeneres Needles McCain on Gay Marriage

What? TV fodder is number 3? It might be time to go Boston Tea Party on the media. Dump the news that considers celebrity important. Don't buy from those that sponser this type of news and tell them why you won't buy their crap. TMZ rot in H E double hockey sticks. Brittany who? Lohan what? Cyrus *click* and Winehouse get outta my house.

If trouble is brewing and danger is on the way or decisions are being made that affect us, sure, let us know. If Paris Hilton strikes a pose - I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT. If you show it, I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU.

Goodnight and good luck.

For The Record

2008-05-10T08:36:00.002-04:00

I know there is a lot of attention given to our body's appearance in the public eye and many are quick to criticize and judge. Oh those boobs are fake, she's anorexic, what a horrible nose job, hmmm - cottage cheesy and so on. Not to give validity to such attacks nor any credibility to statements based on conjecture, I want to note for the record a few facts regarding yours truly.

I do not dye my hair. It is becoming clear naturally.

I did not have a belly augmentation. After many hard years of laborious eating and a specific non exercise routine, I have managed to hone the perfect globus projectus.

I do not have cellulite. I've been sitting on gravel and river stone.

I do not shave my legs. The hair could not compete with the awesomeness of my muscles.

And finally, in order to confuse the enemy, I have sculpted myself to appear as though I am coming when I am going and vice versa. No easy feat.

Enjoy the imagery.

Determined Note Taker

2008-05-09T07:58:00.003-04:00

I have many ideas throughout everyday, circumstances and occurrences, all inspiring and noteworthy. I think, wow, that would be something to toss on the blog! Then when I get the opportunity to write, I can't remember a thing about any of my writing intentions. Topics, phrases, funny anecdotes, all gone.

I have determined that when such an idea or thought emerges in the future, whenever it happens, I will write it down for later consideration. Nothing new, I have always tried to record my brainy isms, but I get lazy.

Last night I had a good one! I remember laughing until tears rolled down my face from the funny. I knew it was a keeper and something I wanted to share so I grabbed a pen and pad and wrote down a brief, but all encompassing outline. I remember going to bed thinking how funny it was with a little belly chuckle every now and then.

So here I am, freshly awakened, Mountain Dewed up and in front of my laptop. I remember, oh yeah, my notes from last night! I go back upstairs to the bedroom to retrieve the note book and voila, no such thing. No pen. No pad. No notes. No idea.

My guess is that is was all a dream. I dreamed I had an idea and wrote it down to use later. I dreamed my own laughter at the idea. I then dreamed that I went to bed and dreamed of chuckles in my sleep, in my dream.

I'll have to check this later when I'm awake to see if I actually wrote this or dreamed about doing it and still sleeping while dreaming of being awake when awake or asleep.

By the way, this was not the idea. I am not laughing. I am sitting, stunned, and staring at the screen. The Mountain Dew is real.

Philly Po Po

2008-05-08T13:28:00.002-04:00

You've got to be kidding me. Why is it that when Philly cops attack they suddenly turn into a marauding band of ballet toe tappers sans rhythm?

Let's start off with, why were so many of them chasing one car and how did they manage to catch up to the "suspects" while negotiating lap fulls of free donuts and coffee?

Secondly, this is the home of Smokin' Joe Frazier and Bernard Hopkins, the Blue Horizon, the Philadelphia Public School System, and if you live in a fantasy world - Rocky Balboa! We were voted the city with the ugliest people in America and We The People are generally annoyed. You'd think that somewhere along the line everyone here would have learned how to throw a punch. Especially the police.

Thirdly, isn't what sets the police apart from the rest of us a little something called training? Physical restraint techniques, the art of fisticuffs, weapons use, crowd control and media shielding? Their behavior makes it appear as though any aging overweight former River Dancer can put on a uniform and kick to their hearts content while humming Celtic whispers of Irish Spring days and Lucky Charms.

In conclusion, if you, as a police officer, wish to keep it old school Rizzo style, when you decide to beat a criminal down (and it is a conscious decision - there is no heat of the moment crap), do it quickly and out of the camera's view, do it so the criminal will remember the beating forever or not remember anything at all, and if the criminal is someone that just killed one of your own - there should be no reason to bring that cop murderer's carcass anywhere other than the Schuykill River for a permanent final cleansing.

As a side note I would like to commend Tariq El Shabazz, the managing director of Germantown Masjia, for denying the burial of cop killer Howard Cain at this neighborhood mosque. Read the story here.

Mudders Day

2008-05-07T16:32:00.004-04:00

Thought I'd share a little video I'm working on for Sunday. Pass the cheese please and hand me that towel!

The Loop

2008-04-28T18:51:00.002-04:00

Have I been out of the loop THAT long? It appears a few things may have escaped me.

Is it true that there never was a "Hee-Haw" movie, and if it is true, why not? There was a Smokey and The Bandit movie, and then another, and I think maybe another after that. I know that YOU would have gone to see "Hee-Haw", and we all know who YOU are! Hmmm. Imagine. Hee-Haw in glorious color AND 3-D all blowed up on the IMAX screen. Hey Hollywood, what are you waiting for? That's a no brainer!

When did 70 year olds start wearing leathers and riding Harley's? As a side note, aren't all chaps supposed to be "ass"-less, yet somehow "asses" still manage to wear them? It's OK - I can say "ass", it's in the Bible.

How long has FEMA been considered a military operation? Most of us know the answer is never, but a few "act" otherwise. Wanna play Army? Lose the seventy pounds and go enlist.

Why isn't my friend Joe a millionaire yet? With his dead-on entertaining imitations, unexpected musical interludes, death defying chicken and rice choking moments and phrases like "Don't scare the pigs ... they'll stop laying eggs," how can the money not be pouring in? Next time you see him, do the right thing, give the guy a dollar.

If an electronic device truly is wireless, why do we have to plug it in? The boys in Tennessee are onto something!

If you come up with an idea of something that could be beneficial to both you and all mankind, but unknown to you it was already invented 20 years ago, can it still be your idea?

If your campaign for election is based on the premise of "change", how does that benefit you the candidate? If change is the objective, wouldn't anyone other than the current office holders satisfy that criteria? I think we all have experienced BAD changes as well so we know not all change is good. Perhaps running on a platform of solid, structured plans to deal with actual issues, not imaginary "I'll tell you when I'm elected" cures for campaign manufactured concerns might set you apart from the crowd.

One last political note. If you claim to be different and not like the others in the horrible Washington fat-cat political machine, stop rolling up your long sleeve shirt to your mid forearm in your commercials. That is the uniform of the politician. If your elbow is too big to roll the sleeve over, your shirt is too small.

This Just Doesn't Get Old For Me

2008-04-27T02:52:00.000-04:00

This looks like a good use of a weekend to me. Sorry about the ridiculous commercial at the end. Don't buy Toyota and stick it to NBC every chance you get!

It Figures

2008-04-25T11:47:00.001-04:00

I don't know how it happened, but I got a piece of chicken in my eye. Boy, is my face red!

Weather For The Birds

2008-04-23T08:44:00.003-04:00

Now that it is so wonderful out in the evening and early morning, I have my windows wide open to enjoy the cool breeze filtering through. Very pleasing until the sun actually rises and disturbs my slightly chilled bliss.

Apparently birds like the sun and start their happy yelping when it appears. Of course they have nested in the tree right beside the window closest to my head in bed.

I have learned that when you have a bird nest - you have more than one bird. These many birds have taken to singing their tunes of "welcome sunshine" loudly, which at times seems directly in my ear and can go on for hours. Qualifier - Just because I am awake doesn't mean I'm getting out of bed, stupid birds, no matter how happy they are. That's how I know it can go on for hours.

Pillows over the head work for a bit until the heat from my angst builds. I believe I had a pillow burst into flames once, but that might have been a dream, or it could explain why hair no longer grows on the top of my head.

When the pillow muffle stops working I sometimes resort to screaming like a bigger bird than they are. That will suppress bird happiness for only a short while because as birds go, they have bird brains, and they quickly forget a much bigger bird just yelled at them.

I also might be traumatizing the neighbor next door.

Today I have decided to fight back. I scrambled some eggs for breakfast and ate them in bed in full view of the nest dwellers. If that doesn't work, it's chicken for lunch.

Missed Out

2008-04-22T17:55:00.002-04:00

Yup, missed out on Chili Day! Too early, too soon.

As much as I miss bones and hair and beans with a little provolone on top, I also would have missed my 6 fluffy pillows. Tough choices in a tough world.

Look At Me!

2008-04-15T18:06:00.003-04:00

I am back in the land of soft pretzels, cheese steaks, mediocre sports teams, all night diners and supermarkets, home maintenance, making my own bed, driving a mini van, playing powerball, DirecTV, all of my toys, family demands, cleaning, and my favorites - sleeping 'til I wake and afternoon movies.

Fair Warning

2008-04-09T17:14:00.001-04:00

If you rub me wrong, expect some stink.