The Loop

Have I been out of the loop THAT long? It appears a few things may have escaped me.

Is it true that there never was a "Hee-Haw" movie, and if it is true, why not? There was a Smokey and The Bandit movie, and then another, and I think maybe another after that. I know that YOU would have gone to see "Hee-Haw", and we all know who YOU are! Hmmm. Imagine. Hee-Haw in glorious color AND 3-D all blowed up on the IMAX screen. Hey Hollywood, what are you waiting for? That's a no brainer!

When did 70 year olds start wearing leathers and riding Harley's? As a side note, aren't all chaps supposed to be "ass"-less, yet somehow "asses" still manage to wear them? It's OK - I can say "ass", it's in the Bible.

How long has FEMA been considered a military operation? Most of us know the answer is never, but a few "act" otherwise. Wanna play Army? Lose the seventy pounds and go enlist.

Why isn't my friend Joe a millionaire yet? With his dead-on entertaining imitations, unexpected musical interludes, death defying chicken and rice choking moments and phrases like "Don't scare the pigs ... they'll stop laying eggs," how can the money not be pouring in? Next time you see him, do the right thing, give the guy a dollar.

If an electronic device truly is wireless, why do we have to plug it in? The boys in Tennessee are onto something!

If you come up with an idea of something that could be beneficial to both you and all mankind, but unknown to you it was already invented 20 years ago, can it still be your idea?

If your campaign for election is based on the premise of "change", how does that benefit you the candidate? If change is the objective, wouldn't anyone other than the current office holders satisfy that criteria? I think we all have experienced BAD changes as well so we know not all change is good. Perhaps running on a platform of solid, structured plans to deal with actual issues, not imaginary "I'll tell you when I'm elected" cures for campaign manufactured concerns might set you apart from the crowd.

One last political note. If you claim to be different and not like the others in the horrible Washington fat-cat political machine, stop rolling up your long sleeve shirt to your mid forearm in your commercials. That is the uniform of the politician. If your elbow is too big to roll the sleeve over, your shirt is too small.

This Just Doesn't Get Old For Me

This looks like a good use of a weekend to me. Sorry about the ridiculous commercial at the end. Don't buy Toyota and stick it to NBC every chance you get!

It Figures

I don't know how it happened, but I got a piece of chicken in my eye. Boy, is my face red!

Weather For The Birds

Now that it is so wonderful out in the evening and early morning, I have my windows wide open to enjoy the cool breeze filtering through. Very pleasing until the sun actually rises and disturbs my slightly chilled bliss.

Apparently birds like the sun and start their happy yelping when it appears. Of course they have nested in the tree right beside the window closest to my head in bed.

I have learned that when you have a bird nest - you have more than one bird. These many birds have taken to singing their tunes of "welcome sunshine" loudly, which at times seems directly in my ear and can go on for hours. Qualifier - Just because I am awake doesn't mean I'm getting out of bed, stupid birds, no matter how happy they are. That's how I know it can go on for hours.

Pillows over the head work for a bit until the heat from my angst builds. I believe I had a pillow burst into flames once, but that might have been a dream, or it could explain why hair no longer grows on the top of my head.

When the pillow muffle stops working I sometimes resort to screaming like a bigger bird than they are. That will suppress bird happiness for only a short while because as birds go, they have bird brains, and they quickly forget a much bigger bird just yelled at them.

I also might be traumatizing the neighbor next door.

Today I have decided to fight back. I scrambled some eggs for breakfast and ate them in bed in full view of the nest dwellers. If that doesn't work, it's chicken for lunch.

Missed Out

Yup, missed out on Chili Day! Too early, too soon.

As much as I miss bones and hair and beans with a little provolone on top, I also would have missed my 6 fluffy pillows. Tough choices in a tough world.

Look At Me!

I am back in the land of soft pretzels, cheese steaks, mediocre sports teams, all night diners and supermarkets, home maintenance, making my own bed, driving a mini van, playing powerball, DirecTV, all of my toys, family demands, cleaning, and my favorites - sleeping 'til I wake and afternoon movies.

Fair Warning

If you rub me wrong, expect some stink.

Meep Meep

It's easy to get to where you shouldn't be.

Danger Man

I've done some dangerous things in my time.

I've blown kissies to angry truck drivers on the road.
I've stood barefoot in my underwear in a convent's cafeteria at midnight.
I've waited until "9" in my dad's 10 count to discipline.
I drank 2 gallons of Tang out of a garbage bag laying on my back.
I showered in water from the Mississippi River.
I get my haircuts from a one-eyed barber.
I sat in the front row at a Kevin Meany Christmas Show.

I'm a baaaaaaad man!

My latest adventure included many elements that would make a regular guy cry and scream and perhaps re-evaluate his life, or at least urge him to change his identity.

Driving along a back road in Georgia where the roads are dirt and street signs are painted on rocks, I came across a junk yard in the middle of no where as the sun was going down. I park, get out of the car and make my way to the opened gate which led to the grill that caught my eye driving by. Once I stepped in I was surrounded by at least 20 full grown, silent pit bulls of various colors and patterns, but all with the same demeanor and yellowed choppers which they all so politely were displaying.

Emerging from the corroded, twisted, former mobiles and flattened rubber I notice the long double-barrel, slightly tilted in my direction, held by a man with one white eye wearing greasy blue overalls with a name patch that simply stated "Boo." Was it supposed to say Bob or Bo? I don't know. After later consideration, I resolved "Boo" was appropriate.

Coming from another direction was a smaller version of "Boo" who equally shared my attention with all of the other players which now included yet another member of the junk yard crew. She made her presence known by using a loud piercing scratchy toothless voice. "Wha'chall doin ere?"

I guess my northern good looks exposed the fact that I was not a local.

Not knowing who to address, since I was in the center of the trio (and I think they were all interested in my answer), I spoke in the direction of the shotgun, mindful of the little doggies and the wild haired lady and perhaps her offspring or spouse or both.

I explained it was the car that caught my eye as I was driving by and hoped they would allow me to have a closer look at it. After some discussion with "Boo" I learned the car was for sale at $50,000. I said no way. He said he was offered $35,000. He also said if he painted it he could get $140,000 for it. Boo apparently had DirecTV and was now a Barrett-Jackson aficionado with huge overtones of delusion. All it needed were fluids and a carburetor. I liked it for its rustic smile.

We bantered some more, I made nice with the devil dogs, they invited me to dinner, but I took some pics and got out of there before the moon and whatever else was in that yard came to life.

Nice cars and photographic moments are always worth the risk. This Buick Special lived up to its name for all of us.