Doctors Are Gonna Be The Death Of Me

When you get to be old, fat and sore, they got ya! Gimme your blood. Lay here. Take that off. Stick this there. We need three more tests from five other labs. Sorry, we have to hook you up again. Don't move even though you have to stand on one foot bent over while reaching above your head as they place a freezing cold piece of metal on your bare back. Breathe in deep and let it out and breathe in deep and let it out and breathe in deep and - hey, I get it. This is gonna hurt a little since these 47 probes are stuck to your hair. Now sit there and take the following humiliation; based on my medical experience being a new doctor at the practice, you are too fat, you are too old, you are a funny one and you are scaring me.

I suppose it was worth a couple hundred bucks to hear what I see in the mirror everyday.

Now the fun part. Medications. Go to the pharmacy and take a satchel with you to carry your new maintenance drugs that you'll be taking for the rest of your life until we can figure out a way to charge you for some extra medications to counter the side effects from our originally prescribed regiment since we have no intentions of curing your ailment, only to treat the symptoms until my children finish med school and I finish my vacation house in Antigua. Don't worry about not having medical insurance, we'll take $5 off the visit charge but we'll have to add $10.50 if you pay with a credit card due immediately when we are finished with you. Make sure you make another appointment for 2 weeks even though we are booked solid for three months.

Nice seeing you. Enjoy your day.

Mystery Drawer

I have a four drawer filing cabinet next to my desk. It is a tall set of drawers, one drawer stacked above another, four drawers high. I know the floor is slanted. The high end of the floor is at the back of the four drawer filing cabinet. The low end of the floor is at the front of the four drawer filing cabinet. Because of the tilt of the floor, the four drawer filing cabinet leans forward. The top part of the four drawer filing cabinet leans forward the most making the four drawer filing cabinet appear to be toppling over in the direction that the four drawers would open.

That said, the science and physics involved with gravity and leverage and leaning and geometry and such would dictate to me that if any of the drawers were to slide open because of the angle the four drawer filing cabinet is sitting, the top drawer, having the most extreme tilt, would be the drawer to slide open.

No.

In this house the bottom drawer of the four drawer filing cabinet is the one that opens. I close it, look at it, turn away, look back again and nothing. If I leave the room or get involved with something else, the bottom drawer opens. I close it again. I press on it hard making sure it is closed all of the way much like positioning billiard balls on a table making certain nothing rolls or moves when I lift the rack. I gracefully and carefully remove my mitts from the drawer with the same mechanics, making certain that the drawer does not move or shift. I am watching it the entire time. It is closed firmly and completely.

All of the REAL Stooges are dead. There are no hidden cameras and Ashton doesn't know me or where I live in order to "punk" me. There is nothing alive in the drawers or behind them. I do not live in the amazing "Mystery Hole" of West Virginia. Items do not roll uphill unassisted here. There are no strings attached and no false bottoms. All of the other drawers have been cooperating and functioning as usual in an expected, uneventful, normal fashion. I am the prankster here and I am on hiatus.

Currently I am looking at the bottom drawer of the four drawer filing cabinet wide open as though I have been rooting through it trying to get something from the very back. Did I mention that this behavior of the drawer began yesterday? Could it be global warming? Am I living inside of a cuckoo clock? Could this be Obama's first major test of his presidency?

Brilliant Acceptance

As I watched Obama read from the left and right teleprompters behind bullet proof glass in a well orchestrated moment complete with soundtrack, perfect lighting and staging, I wondered who and how many people contributed to the writing of that masterpiece he read so eloquently?

Who prepared the setting, decided on the size and shape and placement of the stage, who chose the music and who went into the studio to record it, who set up the electronics, where were they purchased or rented and for how much money? Where did the funds come from and how much did this "impromptu" acceptance speech cost? How long and how many hours were dedicated to this one moment? How long has it been in the works?

I wondered how does an honorable man accept the praise and benefit for the words he delivers knowing everything is scripted and produced and checked and corrected and approved by countless others?

When did reading a written word become more important than actual actions? Great speech. So what? Yap yap yap. A prepared speech does nothing but elevate the speaker. Signing on the dotted line gets things going.

I was also curious how men currently holding office in the government can separate themselves from policies and actions and decisions made by the government when they were a part of the government that created and accepted the situations that currently exist? How do they dare say we need change from the current administration while being a part of that current administration they are condemning? Why do they champion change only when they are soliciting your vote?

Yes we can. Sure we can. But why didn't we before? Why didn't you before? Why do you expect us to believe you will now? I hope you do.

Even with all of these thoughts and questions, I watched and hoped. I was watching an historic event of unknown outcome and of uncertain direction. New management. Old employees. Now what?

I was horrified that I might be watching Obama's last moment, and because of that horror, I continued to watch like I did when O.J. was riding along in his Bronco followed by police a million years ago. A hit on Obama last night could have sent our country into chaos and ruin. The "terrorists" could easily have won. I was and remain fearful for our incumbent.

I am hopeful that we did not elect the best looking candidate or the youngest or the most popular and stylish candidate or the candidate with the best looking wife or the candidate that reads and acts very well or the candidate that shook my hand or kissed my momma or came to my work place and made promises that were not his to give. I am not yet convinced.

I am hopeful. I am not naive. I am thankful. I am wary.

We Shall See