Be Kind: Rewind

I'm sitting in a movie theater completely alone preparing to watch "Be Kind: Rewind" with a bucket of soda and a cup of popcorn. All nice and situated dead center of the theater, middle isle, middle seat, half way up where the screen no longer looks like a TV screen, but looks like a MOVIE screen should. The middle also affords proper surrounding of the surround sound speakers to optimize the audio experience as well.

That lasted for about 5 minutes until some guy strolls in and sits one row behind me and one seat to my right. Now I have this guy in my peripherals, in my space and on my list.

The chewing begins. His munching goes directly into my ear since he is only a few inches from it. Of course he chose the opposite route that I traveled. He had a bucket of popcorn and a cup of soda. This was the large bucket too. He finished it in about a minute and a half to give you an idea of the ferocity of his chew, then went back to the counter for his free refill.

Once the movie began my attention was diverted from choppers - the corn crunching machine and focused on laugh track guy who is now sitting one row ahead of me and one seat to the left. After each line of dialogue in the film the guy before me would laugh. Funny, clever, incidental, narrative, serious, matter-of-factly, it didn't matter. This guy would laugh. Every sentence struck a funny bone on him and a nerve in my now fidgety bottom.

Other than my IMMEDIATE surroundings, the movie was sweet, kind of fun, clever and inspiring for any new film maker. By seeing this picture I broke my Danny Glover ruling because my Jack Black fact is more powerful. I was happy I went.

Compelling Sales Technique

A kid with those "children of the corn" eyes came up to me and asked if I would buy candy from him today. What could I do? I bought everything he had. I knew the consequences would be dire if I refused and I can only run about 4 steps before collapsing under my own flab-o-lanche or exploding an ankle ducking hobos. The Hershey Bars will do me good. At least I'll get to sleep tonight without seeing scary kid smirks and soiling my jammies.

I Try ...

... but I'm still not sure about the mango.

Credibility Counts

I would never take advice from a fat man about dieting.

If a carpenter has all of his fingers, he doesn't have all of his skills.

If a preacher is rich from his church, his bible is just a book of stories.

If a farmer doesn't grow anything, he needs to be called something else.

I don't want financial guidance from someone drinking an eight dollar coffee.

If a chef does not eat where he works why would I eat what he cooks?

If someone is caring for you and watching the clock, you are not what they care about.

If a mechanic doesn't have dirty fingernails, what can they really do for your vehicle?

If a health care professional is concerned about payment, their profession has nothing to do with health.

Why would any country ever entertain talks on peace from a president waging war?

If you are a news reporter, don't give me your opinion, report the news.

One in five people have a physical or mental disability. How can twenty percent of todays existing population not have a genuine presence in decisions that govern their lives?

If you are wearing a particular uniform, why would you expect to be treated any differently that what that uniform portrays?

Questions of credibility abound when people do not perform capably. Credibility still counts.

Not Too Bad

Not too bad for a camera phone. Pacific coast beach shots.

Hamburger de Fantaisie

I just had a $40 burger. Better than I expected.

What Is It With Hobos?

I've been yelling at bums ever since we reached the 6 month mark in Louisiana after Hurricane Katrina. Now wherever I go, hobos seem to set up camp and wait for me. It has been my experience that begging for something usually precipitates the opposite. How long does it take for a bum to learn the same lesson?

Want some money for food? NO! But I'll go get you a sandwich. What would you like? Better still, why don't I get something to eat with you and you can explain why you are a stinking beggar rather than a contributing doer. I'd like to know why you don't have a job and what steps you are taking to get one. First you have to wash that filth off of your face and hands. I know it might be good for your hobo image but it's making me sick and everyone else around you. Let's go!

That will make a bum curse at you, stab you and steal your underwear.

I just got back from Malibu Beach. Multi million dollar homes and cars and beautiful scenery. Clean, visually spectacular, life in the lap of luxury and bums were all over the place.

I drive down the coast a little bit more to Santa Monica. Not quite as decadent but pretty much the same deal. Bums.

I continue to Venice Beach and encounter less riches, but now there are tens of thousands of people bumping into each other AND MORE BUMS!

Every store and every restaurant has help wanted signs in the window. I don't get it.

Friday afternoon after my weekly visit to the Apple store in Pasadena, walking to Barnes & Noble with one hand in my pocket and the other carrying my new Apple supplies, I hit a patch of uneven sidewalk. I crack my ankle and turn it over pretty good and loud, and start my tumble to the ground. I got my hand out of my pants quick enough to break my fall, but my new cell phone went flying and bouncing on the pavement - right in front of a dirty old lady bum.

As I reach over to start picking up my pieces she says, "Oh honey, you dropped something." I thanked her and started to limp away when a dirty old man bum said, "I think you dropped that piece of paper there." I turned to look and saw my hotel valet parking ticket on the ground. I was getting tag teamed. I thanked them both for taking care of me and got out of there before I got a stab wound and had to shop for new undies.

So the moral of this tale is that most people are too self absorbed to notice another man's need on the street. Class struggle continues in our country and the willingness to help a brotha out only exists in gangsta movies, FEMA and perhaps a Neil Diamond song or two. I don't really know. I don't listen to Neil very often, and if I do, it's by mistake.

The bums were the only ones that noticed and attempted to do something about my fall and scattered possessions. So, while I complain and seem plaqued with hobos on all of my journeys, it was nice to hear something out of their dirty stinking filthy hobo mouths other than how fat I am. Perhaps we really can keep hope alive.

California

Crackin' me up. I wantz my CREAM in my ice CREAM! If it has no cow, it has no right to masquerade in the freezer section as being similar. Go get in your own fraudulent poser case and get away from my dairy dee-lights! Soy is just a nice way of saying poo. Delicious* poo.


*The adjective doesn't matter when the noun is poo.

Playing in Traffic

I have not seen a single police officer since I landed in Burbank. Now that I am in Pasadena I have not seen a single police officer or a single police administrator of the law. I don't know where the law is hiding out, but I do know they have made their mark, and it is a wonderfully serious mark.

If a pedestrian simply glances at an intersection, cars come to a screeching halt. Traffic will not move until everyone is out from between the little dotted crosswalk lanes. EVERYONE. If a little old lady takes 4 traffic signal sequences to cross, vehicles will wait 4 traffic signal sequences. No horn blowing. No obscenities. No points for running the old lady over.

Being awestruck regarding this driving regulation phenomenon, I now abuse the privilege. I will fake step forward, then turn completely around and move sideways looking the wrong way. Then I'll jump back, lean a little, then charge directly at an intersection without entering.

I'm a dollop drop bored.

Hunger In The Lap of Luxury

Walking out of the Apple store in Pasadena on the fabulous Colorado Blvd., in the heart of high society retail, I notice a couple of well dressed guys in their mid twenties seated on the ground. Nice day so I figured they were just enjoying the sights.

I hear one of them say, "Can I have some money? I'm very hungry." I don't know who said it or who he said it too, but I keep on walking. Then I hear, "I can see you don't know anything about being hungry." Then the"Philly" snaps to as I realize I've just been heckled by a bum. A fat joke from a smartly dressed hobo.

I turn around and go right up to the pair and state, "That's the kind of stuff that will get your faces bashed in. After that, hungry won't matter because you won't be able to eat with no teefers." They were all apologies and sorry this and that and we didn't think you were listening. Then one of them says, "You must not be from around here."

Recognize.