Distractions

It feels like it's been forever since I've written anything here. Apparently it's only been a week. There are many factors responsible for my lack of writing. Here are a few.

I've rediscovered potato chips. I can't get enough of them.

Bought a new bed that has amazing powers over me. I actually have to fight to get out of it.

In the course of doing home maintenance I replaced the air filter on the central air unit and turned it on. Cool clean air is arresting.

I found out there are perks to belonging to the Regal Crown Club. For example, Tuesday night at the movies affords me a small popcorn for only the cost of admission. This way I can get about 30 cents worth of popcorn for the low low price of $9.75. What a deal!!!

The science of Heelys. Fascinating! Why hasn't someone invented these years ago when I healed quicker?

Craig's List. Wow! Lotsa funny stuff on there! It amazes me how some folks consider themselves cute, being convinced they actually write it down, then submit it as fact, and then provide their photo as supposed proof to show their goofy mugs for all to admire. Most amusing.

Scrabble Blast.

My friend Tony has unearthed a hidden desire of mine to own a bird bath. The search for the perfect one is exhausting, and once I procure it, the sound and sight of its water dance will command as much of my attention as the initial search for it did. MEEEEEENDOOOOOZAAA!!!!

Frontgate. Hammacher Schlemmer. Levenger. Pottery Barn. The Sharper Image. Herrington.

So, as you now know, I've been very busily distracted away from the needed discipline and practice of writing and sharing my important thoughts with all of you. Many apologies with the hope of your kind understanding in the future as inevitably more elements clamor for my attention.

Ah Baloney

When was the last time you had some fried baloney? I know my next time will be soon.

It's Happened

Writer's block. I've got nothing. No ideas. No thoughts. I'm in that television coma without the TV - sitting in front of my laptop looking blankly at the screen. My battery is almost exhausted and I'm too lazy to plug the power chord in. I've got stories to tell, just no motivation to tell them. Eek eek. Maybe some monkey chow will help, but who will serve me at 4 in the morning? Bleh. Good night all. Maybe I'll sleep 'til Monday.

Quackmier

Does the color of a duck make a difference in how it tastes?

The Day After

Mother's day was a big success. Dairy Queen ice cream cake, a little visit time, I'm good for a few weeks. On the cake was the phrase I Love My Mother. I wanted it to say Yo Momma Cakes or I Love My Dairy Queen, but it wasn't available and the official script writer wasn't working.

Mother's day also brought back memories of the first album I ever purchased. It's A Mother by James Brown. My mom did not like it. Everytime she would say she didn't like it or told me to throw it away or to take it back, I remember making her more furious by just repeating, "It's a mother ... good god". She would walk into the room and I would exclaim, "It's a mother ... good god". I would throw in an occaisional "gimme some popcorn" to mix it up a little, but she had no clue, perhaps like those of you unfamiliar with the reason I bought the album, Mother Popcorn.

Fantastic None

Why would you seek one of the most beautiful women in the world to be in your movie, then hire her to be in your movie and change the way she looks?

Sounds insulting to me. Sure Jessica, we'd love you to be in our movie! You're perfect for the part! Now put these blue contacts over your eyes and bleach your hair. We've got to Anglo-ize you to be appealing to the public. What?

Let's get Gary Coleman to play the Pope. How about John Goodman as Gandhi? Al Pacino plays #23 in the Michael Jordan Story. He acts good! Pink as Mother Theresa. Sanjaya as Sinatra (Nancy or Frank). Stallone IS Fred Astair. What's the matter movie gazillionaires, can't find a real blond that can act or are you still trying to fit a round square into a peg hole? Hollywood idiots.

I want my Alba back.

At Last

Soft pretzels. Cheese-steaks. Chinese food made by Chinese chefs. Supermarkets with a variety of items. Cool breezes at night. Plant life with a multitude of colors. Directv. Pizza from Aldo's and Riviera and Original's and Randazzo's. Anything you want within 5 miles. News with actual news. Camera and computer stores. A common spoken language. Things to do at night other than taking a trip to the bathroom. Programs beyond country music, tractor repair or "prosperity" preachers. Gnat free areas. Good to be home.

Gettin' Out!

Hey Georgia ... spit that crap out of your fat lazy cow tongue talking melon holes and say buh buh, whatever that means, you wordless cracker barrel high falootin' turd stained britches. The last straw between me and the confederate flag wearing peanut stink hee haws "dun git boke" today when I got an Arby's roast beef sandwich that smelled like feet.

I'm packing tonight to hit the road tomorrow which presents another situation - too much applesauce. I don't want to throw it away and I don't think the locals know what it is. TSA won't let me take it on the plane - explosive fruit liquids - and I won't pack it in my luggage for the goons to steal or smear around my already intentionally dirty soiled smelly clothes (my payback, stickin' it to the man). Therefore, I've got applesauce on my mind.

I have a straw, 6 unopened containers and the intent to ingest before morning.

Why Must They Torture Us?

Why would they make the cannister longer than your fingers? How can you reach in and get the bottom half of the Pringles out without dumping the contents or breaking the edges - which fall first and fly out all over you if you turn the can upside down to let gravity assist with the crisps.

And who looks like that? A "Shemp" with a "Brimley" on a white cracker egghead with a "Farrakhan/PeeWee" bowtie?

Is that supposed to be appealing? Does that make you want to grab a can and take it home? Is Procter & Gamble mocking us somehow? Curses! If only that mashed dried goo didn't taste so good! I hope my finger extensions get here soon.