Nature's Art

Rolling through Connecticut this week I stumbled across a store/museum/gallery/cafέ/park/jewel mine/science fair/learning facility. I spent hours there and can't wait to go back. The fossils and bones were fantastic. A genuine authentic, completely intact european cave bear skeleton stands poised to invade my imagination and nightmares forever. This was one huge bear. It had to be at least 12' tall with a head the size of a pickle barrel. The bones were so thick you'd need a pvc pipe to use as a straw. King Kong is not even a reasonable fact similae of this bear. If you get the chance, go. Otherwise, >www.thedinosaurplace.com.

Yup.

Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas everyone. Be careful! You'll put your eye out!

Settling An Old Score

Ever feel nagged by arguments unresolved? I haven't slept for 6 years over this one. Hopefully Craig will finally see the light, face his fears and concede on this dispute since I am introducing what I consider irrefutable evidence. Chyna is the offspring of Sgt. Slaughter.

Joy of the Season

Now I know I checked these stupid lights before and they worked inside. First things first. Hmmm. How many of these do I have together in a row? The box says no more than three in a chain. Does that include the first string or if I alternate connections does the count start over? I beefed up the fuse with some aluminum foil anyway so that shouldn't make a difference. Looks good. I didn't get anything wet. Maybe a bulb came loose while I was carrying the tree to its new spot, although these sets are supposed to work if a bulb blows. I wonder what's for dinner? Maybe if I were to plug something different into the recepticle just to make sure I have juice. Where did I put my George Foreman Grill? Nah, before I go through all of that effort, let me shake these lights one more time. Maybe if I stretch them, then shake them and stretch them out again. Well, they worked last year and I didn't do anything to them besides wrap them up and tie them together and throw them in the light container box on top of all of the other strings of light. What's this tape for? Ow! What in the world was that? Wait a moment, is that a bare ... OOOOWWWW ... no, that wire's OK. Stupid hooks. Let me see, one, two, three, there's an extension chord and one, two, oh this doesn't make any sense. Why do we put lights on a tree anyway? I guess it's back to jiggling each bulb. First a jiggle, then a push and a twist. That should do it. I can't believe I paid $4 for these lights 2 years ago and they're giving me trouble now. I only use them during the holidays. What's that squirrel looking at? Maybe I shouldn't have left them outside hooked up through the summer. But they weren't on. What time is it? If wonder if I can pack them up and take them back to the store and exchange them for ones that work? I don't have the receipt. Maybe if I buy some new ones, I can pack the old ones in the new boxes and return them with today's receipt for new sets and do that a couple of times until all of my strands are replaced. I could wait until later when everyone is asleep and trade lights with Glen next door. He'll never know the difference. I'll have to work fast and in the dark. If his dog starts barking I'll get busted so I should take a hand full of wieners with me just in case. What do they say about troubleshooting? Start with the fuel, then the spark, then the mechanical. Just like the ankle bone's connected to the shin bone, on and on. I can't believe it. There's the plug. Son of a ... ZZZZZZZZZAPPP.

1929

Benefit of the doubt.
Allowing the questionable. Overlooking the suspicious. Making the unlikely plausible.

Suspension of belief.
A lie held on pause. Intentionally disregarding known fact. Accepting the unbelievable. Giving credibility to fiction-usually for entertainment purposes.

Faith.
Attributing merit to something unseen without absolute proof.

I don't know where all of this is leading except that I believe I am the last practitioner of turn signal use in a moving vehicle. I keep hoping others will follow my example. I keep telling myself, Bob, you are not alone out there. Perhaps a memo was distributed relinquishing the need for turn indicators and I am still on the waiting list for the update in proper driving procedure. More than likely all of my fears are being realized as we approach the age of the great gorilla takeover where monkeys rule the earth and driving is done on the back of a horse or donkey, depending on your destination, both of which have no electric tail lights or mechanical levers to display directional intention. These things are for certain, in the future dogs will eat french fries, three hams will kill you and I will continue to blaze new trails with my use of those blinky light things for no other reason than to amaze and amuse and confound other drivers. Viva Oscar J. Simler! You are still my hero.

Fair Game

I'm surprised this bear doesn't have a mouthful of poo. Must have been one yo momma joke too many. Which reminds me, yo momma so fat, when she sits down, she's 3 feet taller. Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. My favorites so far.

Pioneers

Who decided that it was a good idea to crack open this brown hairy rock thing they found on the ground and eat it? Who chased that first crab and said there must be good eats in them little stick legs covered in armor, it's worth the pinches and aggravation! Hmmm, floating worms with antennae, tasty! Oh wait a minute, there's a sharp prickly thing I can barely get close to because of the razor sharp leaves, nummy. Was there really nothing else to do before electricity than to grab weird stuff and stick it in your mouth to see how things worked out?

Showtime

I know I shouldn't be getting ready to watch a movie at 1 in the morning since I have to get up at 5:30, also in the AM, to prepare for ANOTHER day of work that lasts, like, almost all day long, at least through a lot of daylight and lunch time, and it's not at my house which means I have to drive and everything. But you know what? I didn't slap any nuns today, I didn't unnecessarily disregard any suggested speed limits, I didn't eat three hams, and in my book, the didn'ts outnumber the shouldn'ts, so take that Frenchie, pop the corn, pretend my noises make sense and forgive my baggy eyes, it could just be a tactic to get a little love from my friends. This movie better be good.

Rasgando a notícia boa

How does a Brazillian Waxing Salon exist in Schuylkill Haven, Pennsylvania?

Ballooney

Balloon goes up. Balloon goes down. Balloon goes up. Balloon goes down. Balloon goes up. Balloon goes down. Balloon goes up. Balloon goes down. One big yo-yo in the sky with the speed of a Louisiana Burger King drive thru. I want my monorail.

Back In The Day

I remember when these were the premium shoe of choice for anyone with style, class and skills! I have had many red "Chucks" in my time, the "Cadillac" before Nike was introduced. Number one was the Chuck Taylor (whoever he is) All-Star Hi-Top followed by a passable Beta Bullet at number two. The bullets have been long gone, but the All-Star lives on.

I tried a pair on recently that was adorned with skulls and crossbones. Sad to say my feet hated them. They felt so flimsy without support, weak canvas construction and simply flat. I felt like a caveman walking for the first time stumbling over myself. The question is, have my feet gotten smarter or just spoiled? I know it can't be me that's changed 'cause I'm still stylin' with crazy skills yo!

A Bright Shiny New Day

Ahhhh, the riches of travel! Being on the road much of the time has its perks. Hotels give you points for your patronage that can be converted to goodies.

Look at this great lamp I just got from Sharper Image!

When it arrived I was somewhat anxious because of the condition of the box it was shipped in. The UPS gorillas did some mighty fine work on the exterior, but thanks to the thoughtful use of foamy bits inside, the lamp survived unharmed. To my delight it was much bigger in real life than in the catalog, and it really is bright as day! I bask in its wonderful glow at my desk.

For you regular folk it can be purchased, snicker, for $89. As my good friend Tony would say, more later.

Just Walk Away

You know you're in trouble when you ask for a large strawberry shake and they ask you what kind.

I went to a drive thru fast food joint yesterday and was asked to come inside because there was trouble. My initial thought was to flee because trouble is not good and I am smart and I have seen similar situations on TV, but I wanted to see what kind of trouble would necessitate my going inside and curiosity won over intelligence.

After pulling around to park the van my major concern became the fact that I had not showered yet and my hair was going left and up at the same time, plus I was wearing short pants on a 36 degree day in the December winds and go-to-Sunday-meeting shoes which verified the fact that I have entered middle age and very possibly lunacy. Quite brilliantly I left my cell phone in the van to make that emergency call, if necessary, eventually. As I approached the counter inside to place my order, more conscious of my appearance than my surroundings, danger at hand obeying what I was asked to do to accommodate a complete stranger in time of peril, I notice the car that was behind me in the drive-thru was now receiving his order through the window.

I have since that time showered and I plan to prepare my own lunch today.

Might be time

I've been putting off a root canal for a couple of years. The discomfort at times is almost unbearable, but the thought of my dentist's big hairy hands salves the soreness. I guess when my head becomes the size of an inflamed pumpkin I'll make the call.

When life gives you pumpkins, make pumpkin pie.

Count Me In

12 Angry Men. Add me to the list. Why? For starters, there are only 11 of the 12 shown here and even less in other photo stills from the movie. If you are titled 12 Angry Men and you are depicting 12 Angry Men, you best SHOW 12 Angry Me (visual documentation basics).

There are a few other things that "get my goat" as well. The lowest common denominator. Braking while driving uphill. Mayo. Waiting in line to get into another line to wait. The phrases; get used to it, we've always done it that way, and to tell you the truth. The word actually. Cat urine, vomit and cheez whiz. Fat people ordering enough food for a banquet with a small diet coke. Eyes that look left and right at the same time. Wearing long pants in 90 degree weather. Hobos in the bushes. Pride in something you had absolutely nothing to do with. Sweating right after a shower. And finally for today, flying 1st class sitting next to a hillbilly.

Oh Ho Ho

If I've learned anything from my involvement with the government, it is that anything goes as long as it benefits the government. Do whatever you want, no one is above you. Roll your own way, even if you roll right over someone else. Always say yes, then pass it to someone else. Kick 'em when they're down, jack them up when you can, take your time to deliver, and never deliver. Membership has it's privileges. Academics are insignificant, power is everything. If you finish it, you're finished. But then again, I guess it's not just the government. It's everywhere. You'll have to excuse my mood. I'm getting ready for Christmas. Feliz Navidad.